1919 & all that jazz

inverse eyes @2020 look

back thru tainted goggles Frenchies Brits

Yanks & sundry lesser outfits caught

Germany off

guard the wicket stuck on Old Regime

petty fours to shouts of six we bowled

turtle soup from mobster plot tureens

Nero cuisine

put Trimalchio's repast to shame

nymphos served injust desserts on tec

tonic plates of messe de pottage camp

fires burned unchecked

burps & hiccoughs slurps of brandy smoke

Louis quinze looked down in effigy

aprés moi you deli cats he urged

who is dese folks

fête accomplis paid on credit so

what the cost or if decorum lost

ten not out to help your bloody selves

in for a dig

*

Mr Churchill button-holed our host

puis-je demand au vernaculaire

de cette table oh fermez les Bosch

cried Clemenceau

Wilson not to be dishonoured pulled

out his gun & popped a serving man

just for fun now never say we Yanks

don't know our tropes

Lennon whose invitation got smudged

in the post was there by telegram

Molotov with cocktail poised said stop

me & buy one

spliced of course with Chaplin Charles but worse

was to come beyond the trampled gates

Germany impersonated by

Korporal Von Klot

wagon wheels exploding bells & hell's

balls a-swinging from his lugs remained

shaking at the knees forgive his French

encore mein twat

*

by the morning of the night before

no one knew quite who had said just what

wrapped in table cloths we bagged our loot

swaggering off

some had homes to go to others not

those with silver candlesticks & plates

made for bishoprics & sovereign states

pleased with their lot

several gathered victuals reasoning

hungry jaws would snicker as they snuck

by so cake to trade as bread was wise

knowing Versailles

knives & forks embroidered serviettes

ringed with gilt were favoured by the few

who professed a souvenir would do

journeys that long

lastly ready-handed spilled the lost

generation hordes whose wits were shot

grateful for our lives we hit the streets

pairs of left feet

***

still the bunfight raged on soldiers' pay

tilting stragglers reached their promised lands

singing by the boat load train or push

cart in the rain

officers & men with kitbags new

packing hairlock pistols bayonets

pomegranates gramophones & old

Exchange & Marts

even those who’d never stepped abroad

claimed rewards in borrowed uniforms

boasting like heroes that zeros had

stuck to their guns

speeches we endured in county town

halls profane the words of praise to face

no man's land had been a better place

peaceful at times

when the gin kicked in it made one think

soldiering did have its qualities

knew your enemies but civvies were

good for a drink

*

Scott Fitzgerald wrote his novel then

Proust coughed up the biscuit of research

Switzerland had held a nest of such

confidence men

bankrupts all their credit sunk in art

speculation dada tigers who

cheerio’d down chiaroscuro streets

curtsied like fools

time to face the bloody music act

brave & play concertos with both hands

tied behind the back abandon truth

chapter & verse

show they hadn’t sung in castle vaults

silently from rooftops playing rag

requiems for chums who'd drowned in mud

innocence hung

out to dry in Voltaire cafés where

prohibition played straight into gang

land scenarios took some resolve

totalled on tea

*

hic twas claimed that war kicked off in smoke

rooms or homebrew joints for every gun

toting patriot the God squad read

Satan on hooch

did great wonders for the smugglers' trade

surely not don’t take my word we Yanks

banned it very morning after world

peace was declared

that’s absurd you said it Brother like

blaming rape on women who dress up

war was down to men who'd had too much

Dutch here’s the catch

logic doesn’t mix with politics

in democracy the lowest twits

pitch their wits beneath the belt then watch

God do the rest

pull the other Sister thought of that

bloodshed does attract a deal of bull

title fights aren't won by halves it's drink

up or shut up

***

Uncle Brit & Auntie France why not

set our friends a great example give

back those empires show the world that peace

means business eh

what a neat idea take that down

here this pack of cigarettes is smoked

tell it at the Rose & Crown tonight

wonderful hoax

true in Blighty things ain't smelling rose

half these chaps have lost their jobs to fops

what will all the soldiers do we'll send

them out as cops

free the states it's got a ring to it

be elections soon Communism's

on the rise how about dominion

status for them

seriously Nuncle haven't they

earned the right to independence let

those who've fought for freedom off a bit

rule their own waves

*

talk like that is fit for Bolsheviks

ten to one we'll meet at Waterloo

everyone is waiting on a pax

Britannica

with our European pals in crime

all the civilising countries know

just to give their colonies away

Dude isn’t due

off their bottle that's Amerikar

to a model T let’s see them quit

money first then litigation sex

for heaven's sake

slavery which took us long enough

white man's burden in a six-inch shell

he who fails to down his stirrup cup

see him in hell

mark my words if prohibition reigns

seven years they’ll drink then seven more

judging vices comes before a fall

Congress's call

*

jaw-jaw with a Mallampati score

high enough to end this war of wars

heard that somewhere before I suppose

me too here goes

everyone's invited to a bash

weekly on the promenade at lake

Wozzname grab a gal we'll have a blast

drinks on the house

talking shops are de rigeur these days

peace diplomacy & all that jive

best behaviour on the dance floor no

stepping on toes

cutting in will be allowed of course

modern dress & when the music stops

cabaret with all the latest acts

shenanigans

best of all it's international rules

what goes down in Switzerland will stay

there who’s not to love the best of both

worlds old & new

***

Gatsby where’s your country going hold

on Old Sport Chicago fix the World

Series for me will ya atta boy

Wolfie's a dream

you were saying never mind the girl's

got a hubby tail her to the far

side of paradise we'll rendezvous

there in the car

here we go again now try to keep

up you know he seldom drinks that's odd

figured him for a bootlegging hound

plays cricket though

there’s some truth in what you said before

damned if I remember let’s go home

party's over bar the shooting one

more for the road

right you are a cigarette my house

for a smoke this Russian whitey meets

Frenchie with a Limey on the road

to Monty Carl

*

O Daisy darl life's a car crash for

two no sorry you were great in bed

plus your money's oke but that’s not rich

gotta be orf

who'd’ve thought I’d utter life’s a bitch

can’t we go to Europe start afresh

sell this pile exchange East River for

Riviera

live it up on two per cent of nix

you're forgetting something Major Gatz

destiny awaits us where we are

get out the car

you believe that stuff of course I do

liar but the French & Brits are thru

Germany will have its turn of peace

war & then us

girlfriend we could make it anywhere

what if I don’t want to tell you what

grab Manhattan first then take New York

state's on a plate

*

didn't Mrs Cody make it plain

can’t have happy endings all the time

principal has gotta take a fall

stroke of thirteen

made an art form outta hit & run

living fast & dying young the crime

ain't no loss of life it's breaking faith

rules of the game

rather stick around for best of both

such romantic notions sup your drink

poisoned chalice two to tango whoa

king for a day

sorry love the sun is setting I'll

miss the next I know it's asinine

hold my hand I'm dying like an oaf

partner in rhyme

kiss me darling blow that smoking gun

what an innings burst the palliasse

Siegfried's got a dame but lost his ring

fat lady sing

don't sign here!

these lies are true

by TS Idiot

trumped-up round-up

divorcees reconciled during

first nude attempt on Everest

workers on Pacific tunnel

eat lead in Mariana Trench

snowflakes found on Venusian moon

not fake though out of sell-by date

Brexit menu signed by Farage

finds no bidders at Sotherbys

Dem Libs merger with UKIP goes

live on Black & White Minstrel Show

mad dog appointed United

States Secretary of Defence

& Europe awards fried Mars Bar

controlled appellation status

let nothing ye dismay

should Christians take it lying down

or hanging up for all to see

god rest ye merry gentlemen

go carol singing round the town

or voice dissent on live TV

god rest ye merry gentlemen

should Christians wear judgemental frowns

or smile in bland hypocrisy

god rest ye merry gentlemen

for shame should Christians play the clown

& hang out round the Christmas tree

god rest ye merry gentlemen

or swop their scarlet caps & gowns

for plastic bags like refugees

god rest ye merry gentlemen

alt empire

as the Democracy Show goes into

its millennial season who else but

Boris is chortling over Winston's grave

hand out the Victory Scotch & cigars

grill some of that fat Welsh rabbit

& while you're at it stick Irish online

git the owl gang round the Brexit table

kick your shoes off boys time to celebrate

& let the whole world know the search is on

for stars anyone willing & able

to make with the lingo can do just great

from Skid Row to the Mars Hotel kiddo

this here's yr chance to stand up to the crease

show the good folks the state of your Plato

though seriously folks

what isn't cricket Gunga Din

ain't the colour of your foreskin

but of the team you supporting

for in the words of Fu Manchu

Confucius met his Waterloo

on the back route to Kathmandu

hauling that South American

dreamboat up the magic mountain

took more than lateral thinking

yr grandma knows how to tango

& decode calls made in bingo

halls by sheiks like Ali Bongo

but you'll only get the rules of the game

when your coat is on & you've left the room

a cheap petty Osiris

CPO Gadfly was no more Arab

than Mr Trump a card-carrying scab

neither had their nobs robbed by a scarab

old Gads was in fact on a hush-hush job

when he came neck-to-neck with a carob

tree whose juice those days would rush you ten bob

switching from Judas to Colonel Cobweb

he took out a dealership in Red Leb

to Mick & the Stones he was known as Zeb

while the real Zebedee strummed in a club

he troubadoured to Bombay flogging dub

reggae but got throttled in the hubbub

which was how Gadafy twigged the whole fib

painting his own as the true face of lib

not the last trump!

1915 a scandal in Lusitania

I

exploding butter balls cried Sherlock Holmes

shaking out his gamp i'the vestibule

weather's filthy & thunder's hardly ceased

this seven days yet mingled with the sad

retort of guns from France there never raged

such dirty work abroad as here in port

good gracious man said I where have you been

to summon up that storm of metaphors

from supping with young Winston in The Strand

a Pinkerton to hand then all night long

perusing naval documents for proof

our famous commodore of Cunard line

deliberately sailed the Lusitania

across the sights of a German submarine

my flatmate’s beaten brows belied the truth

had stirred him more than Churchill's Sea-Lord wrath

good Captain Turner's no less loyal than

you I or any man of Blenheim mould

while butter has not melted in his mouth

it plain exploded i'the liner's hold

II

I should insert a portrait of the ship

now shallow bosomed on the ocean bed

conceived as microcosm of the Raj

her classes watering in strict compart

meant all aboard were sealed their letters marqued

for booty by the German High Command

though few who joined the liner at New York

believed the word she carried contraband

would make them fodder for the U-boats' jaws

still less would claim the Hun then justified

to sink our merchant navy's joy & pride

since Belgian massacres were of a kind

the question eating at the public's mind

not just what beasts they were to break such laws

but how so many passengers had died

when Sherlock Holmes was urged to take the case

I cried 'twas scarcely worth the candle wax

to answer queries scurrilously asked

since days when legions at a Caesar's word

would raze a city-state by torch & sword

had hunting leopards traded in their spots

to covet fleeces of escaping goats

but Churchill called in war and vainly Holmes

like Lusitania was easily lured

III

his pipe relit and legs stretched forth the sleuth

reprised the charges laid on Turner's head

commissioned commodore this mariner

is majesty's & merchant's man at once

serves Mammon & the Admiralty both

though neither master wears the cap aboard

supreme at sea our captain struts the bridge

his judgement overrules such orders as

endanger ship & cargo all who sail

make up his charge plus he must save the souls

of friend or foe imperilled by the waves

three times has Thomas Turner won awards

for daring rescues made in heaving storms

there's scarce a blemish on this common man

not fussed to grace a Captain's table though

as far as bravery and science go

the fellow's number one amongst his clan

I couldn't help from quipping at such praise

they like a skip who goes down with his ship

yet Holmes was ready for that heckler's jibe

they hate his guts because he dared survive

IV

the fire glowed the tea was served we felt

secure in London town removed from storms

in France where shrapnel fell like rain on men

who ducked and died a thousand times each day

refreshed my friend resumed his peroration

what Winston told the chap from Pinkerton's

is not for me to say Americans

trust neither French nor Hun and Englishmen

they know too well tell fibs when it suits 'em

in Churchill's view the news is proof enough

to disobey commands jump overboard

with secret documents and save himself

the skipper breached his oath and shares the guilt

of those who launched torpedoes at the ship

court martial him he raged just find what grounds

you can old England's standing needs a quick

response pour encourager les autres

the sea lord quoth in schoolboy accent French

V

now Holmes is seldom one to dramatise

that's your department Watson he declares

the facts the facts and just the facts are all

we need to prosecute a criminal

but then he dropped his voice to whisper words

no living soul shall ever hear bar mine

this story mustn't go beyond these walls

a hundred years from now perhaps won't do

to hide the shame of Admiralty crime

I pledged to seal the truth from public gaze

post dating publication ten decades

so on he went his eyes with morphia glazed

the records show but one torpedo struck

yet two explosions tore the hull apart

in less than twenty minutes sank the ship

so loss of life was due to speed and list

as insufficient lifeboats could be launched

still phased I failed to see what Holmes had found

a-new and trotted out the party line

the U-Boat hit her coal a lucky shot

not so the nearest bunkers lay to aft

midships of where the sole torpedo struck

yet still I couldn't twig how it was rigged

so then what caused the death blow of the ship

some ninety tons of butter margarine

and lard in unrefrigerated store

VI

his monogram upon tobacco ash

so often quoted in the monthly press

shows Holmes has played the alchemist from time

to time indeed i'the days of his youth

he studied under Faraday no less

but this idea that lactic acid turned

by force of sudden heat to acetone

which more inflammable than household gas

ignited by the same torpedo blast

at best struck me as crazed at worst as crass

oh Watson must you play the clever ass

cried Holmes what use is rancid butter eh

indeed and ninety tons of it you say

without so much as chilled for seven days

at sea what's more then bound for the Navy's

Experimental Weapons factory

search me I scratched my head complacently

while Holmes blew rings of smoke a-hemmed then droned

all cargoes bound for ordnance facilities

are coded butter dripping and margarine

for marge read cordite lard is TNT

while butter stands for nitroglycerin

VII

oh no great Scott I groaned this cannot be

the Lusitania carried contraband

which Cruiser Rules specifically banned

impossible for British hearts to know

so royally played the Navy with the lives

of children nannies concubines & wives

and not forgetting sailors' widows their

faces twitching lace in basement windows

have we not had enough of broken homes

now we've sunk as rank and low as Kaiser

Bill a-smiling under his linden tree

outwitted in port and outcast at sea

accusing Captain Turner of treason

while he no doubt is sworn to secrecy

the scandal's as deep as any ocean

so Holmes and I now partners to the crime

the seven percent solution of which

is take each other arm in arm and shoot

ourselves into the next millennium

©Philip Lee 2015

Never Sink!