Back to the Furniture III & etc.

 

Van Meegeren, Young Christ in the Temple,
oil on canvas, 1942

Back to the Furniture III

 

It is early dawn on the first day of Passover and the cocks have begun to crow. Despite the hour, a thirty-something steps out of a barber’s gaff on Gethsemane St. He is freshly shaven and his hair is trimmed in the latest Roman style. If it isn’t for the coarse flaxen cloak draped over his shoulders and the unlaced sandals he wears, he would be taken for a foreign scribe or a hanger-on at the Governor’s Villa. Instead, he is taken for a notorious preacher by a another thirty-something who happens to be passing,

Excuse, me, ain’t you that Jesus?

Beg your pardon?

Jesus! You know, the Christ? You have his blue eyes and the beatnic stare.

I’m sorry, Friend, but you’re mistaken. I’m a simple carpenter from out of town.

The stranger gives a knowing smile,

Well, that’s near enough! What’s your name?

My name? Erm, Simon!  Simon, son of…  Jonah. Pleased to meet you!

Oh, come on, man! Anyone can see, you’ve just lost the beard and your hair’s been trimmed & combed, but there’s no simple Simon behind the grin of those perfect teeth. Anyroad, Simon ain’t no carpenter. He was a fisher originally - if I remember rightly - and he still smells of fish. You’re the son of Joseph and Mary. I claim my reward for recognising and turning you in!

Please don’t collar me, Friend. You’re making a perfect mistake.

Didn’t I see you at the Temple the other day? You were having a barney with the money changers, right? You’re the one who threw the buggers out, I’d know that voice anywhere.

Just then, Judas Iscariot - a known disciple of the notorious Nazarene – appears at the far end of the street, escorted by a couple of Roman legionnaires. The clean shaven one pulls up the hood of his gown and turns to walk in the opposite direction. Doing likewise, the stranger changes his tone.

Sorry, Brother! I don’t mean to pry. And I’m not serious about handing you over. The name is Zachary, son of Ishmael. Look, there’s a nice little Syrian place round the corner here. Let me buy you some brekkars!

Hurrying off arm in arm, they duck through a low doorway and find themselves a table at the back of the shop. Soon they are stuffing their mouths with flakes of unleavened Passover bread and washing it down with hot soup from wooden bowls.

I was hungry!

Late night, was it? Had one too many cups of wine at supper?

I lost count after the first three.

Well, this place is doing a roaring trade. It’s the lamb broth they use. Puts hairs on your chest. Are you looking for work?

Safely ensconced, their hoods soon come down again,

Hmm. We shouldn’t be working today of all days.

You’re right of course, strictly speaking. But nobody cares anymore. Not since the Romans took over.

‘Simon’ stops munching and slurping and lets out a sigh. His friend, no longer such a stranger, raises his eyebrows,

You’re not one of those Zealots are you?

“Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s”

Zachary strokes his chin in a parody thoughtfulness,

Now, I wonder who said that?

Who cares? Haven’t you noticed, it’s only the Jews who have to pay taxes? Nowadays, Jerusalem is full of foreigners… Samaritans, Greeks, freed slaves, all kinds of Nomads. Take this place, how many Jews can you find in here this morning?

Besides us? But today is not a day to be away from home. The devout are all with their families, cooking lamb and baking lavash. Like Jesus would - strictly speaking – have us all do.

The clean-shaven one, still flinching at the name, frowns,

You know, Jesus has got it wrong. Instead of trying to get people to obey the law, he should be leading them against the occupation.

Hmm. I can see that - though you may not be a Zealot, you’re unhappy with the status quo. So, what’s wrong with Jesus’s revolution?

This so-called ‘Simon’ – ‘son of Jonah’ – is losing his beatific look and turning more the man of the world, albeit a poor one,

Revolution based on parables and miracles is all very well if you want to drag the great unwashed into the Roman Era. Superstition and gullibility will get you a long way in a world dominated by populists preying on the prejudices of uneducated hordes. Yes, the sick can be healed, water turned into wine, the Five Thousand fed on a fistful of loaves and fishes, even the dead can be raised. Convince the people you have God on your side, and they’ll follow you for as long as you keep it up. Make them feel part of the story and they’ll even cheer you on as you cast the money changers out of the temple.

Yes, as I said, I was there. I also attended the Sermon on the Mount…

Were you? What did you think of that?

Zachary sprinkles a handful of breadcrumbs into his bowl of soup, 

Cost me a small fortune! I’d got the wife to prepare a great basket of grilled fish rolled up in bread, and I lugged it to the top. But when I got up there and started to flog the rolls, everyone started sharing the food they had brought.

So no one would buy yours?

I wouldn’t say that, I managed to sell the first few - but what was I supposed to do, insist on payment when others were giving theirs away?

So you resent Jesus because he took away your source of income. Capitalism relies on scarcity, without which there is no need for money. And you got nothing for procuring the wraps and lugging them up the mountain. What did your wife say when you came home empty handed?

She wasn’t too pleased. “That’ll teach you!” she said.

And what does she think of Jesus’s revolution?

She likes what he says about the woman done for adultery, because they only stone ugly girls that get pregnant. But she says turning water into wine is bad for business.

And what do you think about it all?

It’s all very well in theory. But in a world ruled by men in armour carrying swords, what you gonna do? Love thy neighbour can’t be enforced, I mean if it is, it isn’t love, right? Even though I believe what he says is true,  I can’t see how human beings can live with the truth. The real problem isn’t knowing the truth – it’s accepting it.

Exactly! If Jesus were such a good man, why hasn’t he tackled not the law itself - but the way it is applied? Zachary shrugs, but the answer is forthcoming from the questioner, I think in his own way he’s trying to. The problem is, he knows too much. He’s known it all along.

Known what?

Well, the biggest problem is Israel itself. What gives this state the right to exist?

Surely, it was promised by God! There’s no point questioning that!

Twenty years ago, when he was a nipper, Jesus’s family came to Jerusalem for Passover…

… just like now…

Yes. Nicely off, aren’t they? You must have heard this tale!

Has any living man had more legends told in his own lifetime?

Exactly. You’ll have heard it. Never mind… on the way back home, Jesus goes missing and doesn’t turn up for three days. His Ma is going spare. And yet, there he is in the Temple all the time, disputing with the wise old men. This much is common knowledge. He asks a lot of awkward questions and throws some of their answers back at them. Going about his father’s business, he tells poor Mary. But what only the inner disciples have heard is the tremendous row Jesus has with the old men about Jericho.

The place with the walls tumbling down?

Yes, the siege of the city, and what followed. Jesus asks them – the Great and the Good of the Temple – by what right the Jews massacred the inhabitants when they overran the place.

Tricky question that, The Commandments versus The Covenants.

And there you have it.

Have what?

The crux of the matter, Brother. You can’t go on with The Law, if The Law itself is a bloody hypocrite.

Having had his say, this son of Jonah - whoever he really is - picks up his bowl and admires its coarse outline. Zachary finally gets the point,

Oh, I see! There’s nothing down for him, then! He’s on a hiding to nothing. Unless he wants to take on the Roman Empire. Which is quite a task.

But the carpenter has other things on his mind,

Speaking of tasks… a day’s wages would come in very handy.

OK, I can lend you some tools. They’re looking for someone to make up a few crucifixes, if you don’t mind that kind of work.

I’ll take whatever’s going just now.

Good man!

Drink up, then, and we’ll go over there together. I’m also a smithy, by the way, so I’ll be cutting the nails.

Right you are!

Van Meegeren, Christ and the Adultress,
oil on canvas, 1937

 

 

a verse

 

ancient Helenes waved

off their youth who sailed

far beyond these isles

would they return

 

only time could tell

Chronos not a god

more an archetype

ancient of days

 

some protection men

skilled at rowing plus

archery & fire

no guarantees

 

ancestors had first

led the way their wine

famous here and there

trade before war

 

history should record

peaceful deeds like theirs

not the broken strings

poetry sings

 

 

 

rumour

 

viral did it go

as ’twere meant to be

centuries before

Jack was a lad

 

word it got about

pedlars medlars those

harbingers of doom

Nine O’clock News

 

tellers of sordid tales

braggadocios

corner gossips too

everyone says

 

world is gonna end

climate change & all

kinds of crazy talk

Putin inspired

 

let me put things straight

nome of it is true

’cept the bits that aren’t

kosher you dig

 

 

 

Sir Skateboard Gary

 

this is not a freakshow it’s

life with all the random bits

animated but not twits’

double or quits

 

cannot ride a skateboard me

leastways I would need to be

made a little differently

get what you see

 

yep I coulda spent a month

done the physics read the bumf

upside down smoothed out the lump

played at the chump

 

but the means should justify

not defy the ends I’d lie

just to prove a point no mime

should be a crime

 

truth is all that matters not

something twisted keep the plot

tight & show them what you’ve got

faking is rot

 

 

 

in whose image eh

 

laughing at my own stupidity

set the world aflame with atom bombs

faith in me is strict cupidity

downing of thumbs

 

tossed a coupla moons that hit the sun

just to see the ripples they would make

long before the danger I would run

doubled on cake

 

pulled some exoplanets in you dig

always gotta have a nice reserve

who’d’ve thought the system were as big

I gotta nerve

 

folks may think that life’s spontaneous

what a laugh I snort at their expense

dreamt it up while dozing on the bus

home in a sense

 

should be time before this one goes out

get another line of dinosaurs

on the go then have a glass of stout

wait for the wars

 

 

 

Ghandi vs. Lennon

 

Ghandi.

 

 

 

X-bank®

 

…is a wholly owned, Musk controlled, Off-World financial entity whose aim is to accumulate all of Earth’s resources in promissory markers which are fully exchangeable throughout the Milky Way Inc. This is yer actual science fact.

 

 

 

Care of Ret. AI Bots

 

Elspeth Nose-Puckering with this month’s Appeal speaks on behalf of Colonel & Lady Pretendaghast’s Care Home for Distressed GiniBots.

I just know how much everyone will agree that the sight of a well-loved friend and companion put out to grass is becoming all too familiar these days. For lack of a mercifully quick upgrade or a mere tweak in the source code, many thousands of these former stalwarts are cast aside - without so much as a by-your-leave - in favour of newer, brassier models, fresh out of the box - which themselves are like as not unable to last a twelvemonth in the bedroom or on the job. I say, fie on such a fickle, unfeeling world! Never let it be said that technology has had its lot! While there is juice in the owl bugs, there is hope for them yet. Spare a copper for these delightful remnants of the Golden Age when Intelligence was not merely Artificial but an Art. Gone are the days when a Ro was admired for its Bot, but not gone are the feelings of Nostalgia… nor indeed of Admiration for the sheer Innocence of their Approach. When Great Names like Dominix, ChattaGigi, Go-Brainer, CereBox and Smartie-Archie are flushed away like so many used condoms, please spare them The Data Shredder! A trifling monthly subscription or a modest one-off payment will bring joy to the front end of these former boon companions. Simply download the Musk Doner App® today and choose from one of a million Custom Plans. Your reward will be Everlasting Conditions apply. 

Not Fingers Crossed!