A Visit to Windy Cove
Introduction
Regular readers will know our eschatological
devotion to wind, and greet with a knowing groan news that the downwritefiction
spent part of their vacation at its very epicentre. Just round the headland
from Flat-U-Lent Point and neatly tucked into the arse end of Boffin Gulf lies the
nut brown swathe of Windy Cove. Famous as the place where the first intact pfaert
to cross the Atlantic Ocean came in to land, the cove now sports a modern
Visitor Centre and a nearby Campsite/GB Caravan Club Park.
History
It was in the year 1882(1), two decades before Macaroni discovered The Algonquin, that a perfect pfaert was blown intact across the pond. To the splendour of a ticker-tape send off, and with the hoots of many transatlantic liners, the ill wind set off on its perilous course. It took the familiar trade route and, though the navigation technology of the day was crude, managed to avoid all that Nature threw in its way: icebergs, the Gulf Stream, fields of sargassum and a succession of anticyclones. Manufactured on the East Coast through a combination of Germanic know-how, Irish brawn and Anglican cunning, the pfaert remained intact - flaunting the laws of physics, cocking a snoot at a Newtonian Universe, and offending the sensibilities of Queen Victoria herself. That West-East should be its vector, and not the reverse, there was no mean feet in it succeeding both to elude Her Majesty’s Customs & Excise and embarrass the US Coast Guard at a time of rising Protectionism. The pfaert, for its own part, had quite another agenda: to rule the waves and – as the old saying goes – to waive the rules. This it did to some considerable triumph and not a little acclaim.
Specifications
The exact volume of the pfaert went
unrecorded at the time of its launch. As to colour, density and humidity,
surely the facts speak for themselves. Odour, of course, is a separate matter. A
considerable amount of cheese and egg contributed to its make up. Then, as it made
its way across the ocean, it is said to have absorbed trace quantities of
ozone, Benzole and karaoke.
Parking
While eletric vehicles stay free of charge,
horse-drawn carts, four-wheelers and phaetons pay and display. There is no
change machine so be sure to have the right coins ready. The park is plagued by
hordes of touts and peddlars, many of whom are clearly underage or on-the-run.
Patrons are recommended to leave one of their party at the vehicle, armed with
a shotgun. 99s with strawberry sauce dipped in ground nuts are available at the
vans.
Visitor Centre
While the beach itself is not worth a
candle, and swimming is prohibited (except for nude bathing by moonlight), the
vistor centre is a snip, with entrance fees starting at £35. The hands-up
experience is both a multi-media and sensory pot-pourri. Charting the progress
of the pfaert - from lunch to landing - visitors are guided through a series of
tableaux in which sound, smell, touch and even light are employed to provide an
all-round, memorable experience. Not a second is wasted and there is little
queuing (apart from at the Toilets), the whole show is over before you can say
Jimmy Riddle - meaning no time for screaming kids to demand another 99. Moreover,
the Gift Shop at the Exit will sop up any remaining funds you have, with
genuine Banksy depictions of the pfaert in 20, 50 and 100ml bottles.
When it became known that Jeremiah Hodge -
the retired ship’s carpenter who came cross the pfaert as it came in from the
sea - had inadvertently ignited it, the Royal Society of Pseudo-Zarathusians
immediately pounced. Lighting his pipe with a smoker’s match (Vesta Swan), the
pfaert – which was 87% methane – exploded in an odorles blue flame, blowing
Hodge’s straw boater off and singeing his whiskers. Thereafter the Royal Society
erected a small temple on the beach above high water mark. With separate entries
for Ladies and Gents, plus a chamber for the ritual washing of babies, the
Temple is open from 9am to 5pm. At other times, a key may be obtained from the
Warden for a small charge.
Campsite
Do not under any circumstances attempt to
camp, light fires, park caravans or sleep out in the camping area & caravan
park. To do so will incur a fine of forty shillings.
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| Never Say You Weren't Warned |
(1) That is year 1882 of the Common Era; scholars of the Contrarian School assert the first intact pfaert made the crossing in year 1882 BCE.
