Windy Cove

 A Visit to Windy Cove

Introduction

Regular readers will know our eschatological devotion to wind, and greet with a knowing groan news that the downwritefiction spent part of their vacation at its very epicentre. Just round the headland from Flat-U-Lent Point and neatly tucked into the arse end of Boffin Gulf lies the nut brown swathe of Windy Cove. Famous as the place where the first intact pfaert to cross the Atlantic Ocean came in to land, the cove now sports a modern Visitor Centre and a nearby Campsite/GB Caravan Club Park.

 

History

It was in the year 1882(1), two decades before Macaroni discovered The Algonquin, that a perfect pfaert was blown intact across the pond. To the splendour of a ticker-tape send off, and with the hoots of many transatlantic liners, the ill wind set off on its perilous course. It took the familiar trade route and, though the navigation technology of the day was crude, managed to avoid all that Nature threw in its way: icebergs, the Gulf Stream, fields of sargassum and a succession of anticyclones. Manufactured on the East Coast through a combination of Germanic know-how, Irish brawn and Anglican cunning, the pfaert remained intact - flaunting the laws of physics, cocking a snoot at a Newtonian Universe, and offending the sensibilities of Queen Victoria herself. That West-East should be its vector, and not the reverse, there was no mean feet in it succeeding both to elude Her Majesty’s Customs & Excise and embarrass the US Coast Guard at a time of rising Protectionism. The pfaert, for its own part, had quite another agenda: to rule the waves and – as the old saying goes – to waive the rules. This it did to some considerable triumph and not a little acclaim.

 

Specifications

The exact volume of the pfaert went unrecorded at the time of its launch. As to colour, density and humidity, surely the facts speak for themselves. Odour, of course, is a separate matter. A considerable amount of cheese and egg contributed to its make up. Then, as it made its way across the ocean, it is said to have absorbed trace quantities of ozone, Benzole and karaoke.

 

Parking

While eletric vehicles stay free of charge, horse-drawn carts, four-wheelers and phaetons pay and display. There is no change machine so be sure to have the right coins ready. The park is plagued by hordes of touts and peddlars, many of whom are clearly underage or on-the-run. Patrons are recommended to leave one of their party at the vehicle, armed with a shotgun. 99s with strawberry sauce dipped in ground nuts are available at the vans.

Visitor Centre

While the beach itself is not worth a candle, and swimming is prohibited (except for nude bathing by moonlight), the vistor centre is a snip, with entrance fees starting at £35. The hands-up experience is both a multi-media and sensory pot-pourri. Charting the progress of the pfaert - from lunch to landing - visitors are guided through a series of tableaux in which sound, smell, touch and even light are employed to provide an all-round, memorable experience. Not a second is wasted and there is little queuing (apart from at the Toilets), the whole show is over before you can say Jimmy Riddle - meaning no time for screaming kids to demand another 99. Moreover, the Gift Shop at the Exit will sop up any remaining funds you have, with genuine Banksy depictions of the pfaert in 20, 50 and 100ml bottles.

Temple

When it became known that Jeremiah Hodge - the retired ship’s carpenter who came cross the pfaert as it came in from the sea - had inadvertently ignited it, the Royal Society of Pseudo-Zarathusians immediately pounced. Lighting his pipe with a smoker’s match (Vesta Swan), the pfaert – which was 87% methane – exploded in an odorles blue flame, blowing Hodge’s straw boater off and singeing his whiskers. Thereafter the Royal Society erected a small temple on the beach above high water mark. With separate entries for Ladies and Gents, plus a chamber for the ritual washing of babies, the Temple is open from 9am to 5pm. At other times, a key may be obtained from the Warden for a small charge.

Campsite

Do not under any circumstances attempt to camp, light fires, park caravans or sleep out in the camping area & caravan park. To do so will incur a fine of forty shillings. 

Never Say You Weren't Warned

---

(1) That is year 1882 of the Common Era; scholars of the Contrarian School assert the first intact pfaert made the crossing in year 1882 BCE.