Saturday, 29 November 2025

up the low down

Previews from the next (& last) chapbook 12, "dropping the plot"...

 

The Way of All Fish

When we the British, this bastard race, rose from the waves sporting the very epitome of European Science, Art & Culture… who could tell the empire thus created would be vanquished in the twinkling of an eye? There were those who dreamt of a thousand-year Byzantine saga with successive dynasties taking the helm of the great oversized ship. Then came those whose purpose, more honourable perhaps but further screwed up, who at heart were just square-headed Christian Soldiers. And then along come least, though surely not last, called the English Speaking Peoples (WS Churchill) and whose aim was no less than world domination - while at every point prepared to drop the name United Kingdom, United States, United Nations even.




on Lady Godiva


one ungodly hour

the aforesaid dame

fresh from slumber came

out from her bower

 

müezzins & birds

musing on the great

mindlessness of state

savoured these words

 

saddle me an ass

that I might proceed

not on warlike steed

careless of class

 

through the sleepy town

with the curtains drawn

to to greet the dawn

under a gown

 

not of silk but sack

cloth though otherwise

bare to peeping eyes

forward & back

 

*

 

thus the married nun

bride to Jessie Christ

staged her famous heist

pigtails undone

 

from her husband’s pride

she extracted tax

breaks for peasants’ backs

cost of her ride

 

goodknows what he

who’d proposed the stunt

wagering it blunt

thought of her fee

 

she’d been tampered with

like a fairy queen

dryad or obscene

urbanised myth

 

but pornographers

can’t contain her soul

sex was not her goal

justice her prayers

 

*

 

now as pageant dressed

once a year in light

leotards & tight

serfs are impressed

 

feminists remain

challenged by her nude

progress call it rude

sex on the brain

 

yet the ride goes on

sponsored year by year

even cast as queer

heckled by one

 

harmless skin parade

hardly that the church

rolling with a lurch

comes to its aid

 

virgin birth they say

underneath that skein

gentlefolk refrain

almost to pray




unpopulist lines

 

queer Starmer’s pitch

just as Bo was pipped

Corbyn would of whipped

Ritchie Wotshisbitch




sacrificial clown

 

close one eye to the treatment of cows

burning gas like there’s no end of fuse

tolerate other folks’ racist views

these are the nows

 

then their finest hour world at war

when the fascists had surrounded them

choking back a rising tide of phlegm

stuck to the core

 

values never let the bullies win

hang ’em with the rope they’ve always spun

meaning let the bastards have their fun

then do them in

 

this appeasement Trump has brokered’s no

deal it’s pure & simple cowardice

faced with blatant autocrats he’s nice

bowing that low

 

Putin laughing out of bloody hand

scarcely crediting this Yankee knave’s

attitude to the land of the brave

truth bites the sand




the mark of Epstein

 

royalty transcends

loyalty to friends

Chomsky make amends

Epstein descends

 

public life requires

higher moral fibres

talking sick desires

buzzing the wires

 

secrecy’s not yours

like revolving doors

cleaners do the chores

careful of paws

 

teenage prostitutes

nobody disputes

are forbidden fruits

leave them to brutes

 

let dictatorships

take immoral trips

punters part with tips

serfs pay with lips


Not on my Wodge! 


Wednesday, 12 November 2025

better late

disintegrated

 

wooden legs on buy one get one free

extra seat belts bolted to the roof

six or seven isotopes & proof

God’s in his tree

 

bent at the knee

aboriginal this ball of goof

how’s yer father & yer sister oof

Adolf Hitler done for vagrancy

 

say let’s have another quite enough

one more cup of tea & tell you why

everybody here is gonna die

huffing a puff

 

do with some stuff

salt & vinegar land of the fry

Nelson Mandela you gotta try

leave the puck it’s safely in the rough

 

back to the fray

one more time you riffs of English raff

half a mo we’ll see yuz down the caff

Epstein & their band’s about to play

 

 

 

bad driven

 

screw the dignity of bones

treating people when they die

right’s no recompense for high

crimes of the drones

 

shoot the mothers out the sky

talking downwards cut their moans

bury them in nether zones

murrican pie

 

then delete these awful lines

leave the master plant alone

listen for a dialing tone

jostling of wines

 

Christ almighty hides a groan

who can say with what he signs

nailed across his face there shines

fuses have blown

 

take the stand & on your own

head repeat all will be fine

fearing neither men nor stones

word to the pines

 

 

 

dumbshow

 

can’t

always git

what you want

kinda rant

bit

underhand

at the font

baby shit

plant

Mr Bond

back to front

with the band

stand

hand on butt

grab their wand

not a fit

right

side or left

man the lift

cut them lights

Not Just In Time!


Wednesday, 1 October 2025

Two Bobsworth Theory


 


The Sock Puppet: Professor Wittgenstein, you know everything, don’t you?

Wittgenstein: Yes - and zen some, as zey say across der pond

TSP: Tell us, therefore, why didn’t the Israelites fight like this against the Nazis?

PW: Because zat we see is not fighting.

TSP: …or, for that matter, against the Romans – who kicked them off the promised land in the first place?

PW: As I implied, zis is unconventional warfare, not such as took place between der former Great Powers.

TSP: Could you expand on that thought?

PW: Let us use an analogy from ze animal kingdom. Der ant, for example. Zis is merely a local issue of territory. In ein fulltank of time, it vill be resolved by superior force.

TSP: Do you mean by God?

PW: Nein; in my analogy, God vud not take sides, but behave like der child who - in zeir glee and impotence - stamps randomly on der ants as they go about zeir business. Ze superior force would be amongst der ants zemselves. Ze stronger group is prevailing, zat is all.

TSP: Wiping out their opponents?

PW: Well, zere is generally collateral damage venever der vanquished foe are forced to give up zeir position. But aside from amongst der human snowflakes, zis kind of activity goes on villy-nilly everywhere.

TSP: So you are comparing the Israelites to insect colonies such as ants?

PW: Ach, nein, über dolt! What I am saying is zat human beings have forgotten zeir roots within ze animal world. No one is crying foul when der lion brings down der ailing vilderbeest, or ven ein kolony of fire ants overruns ze nest of a rival species. Zat is nature at work. So when one tribe of humans decides to invade zer lebensraum of its rival, so what? Zat is ze real life, mein old chum. Defend yourself and repel ze boarder, if you can. If you can’t, zen better up sticks and look for der new place occupied by ein volk less able to defend zemselves. It is hund eating hund out zere, and pointless pretending otherwise.

TSP: Ah, now I get you!

PW: Und I should jolly vell hope so.

TSP: As always, thank you for your wisdom, Professor!

PW: Never mind all zat, just leave der florin on ze sideboard as you go out. 

Nein Gott!


Wednesday, 3 September 2025

11 more free 'uns



11 free ones supporting 11 little vols you gotta pay for; so don’t be mean folks, add the whole set to your collection


Click Here for Bookseller



stuck with the plan

 

all of them are gone

just the sons & daughters left

one of whom succumbed

early well I kept

warning him but he was numb

joining those who slept

parents aunts & uncles on

past a place called rest

 

hard to put in words

how the sighs of love & fear

end with flocks of birds

taking off from here

where they gather other worlds

none of which are near

 

 

 

cloud 10

 

Rolls Royce of tinitus here

thirty thousand feet above

the electric pools now cheer

up here’s a dove

wave it’s got a postie’s sack

snail mail birthday greetings eh

taking people’s bubbles back

out of the way

none of this redundant thought

cogitating round my head

gives me peace of mind it ought

to ease the dead

night like automatically

counting sheep or else remote

data processing for free

taxes my goat

did Egyptian mummies hear

engines from a future world

after drinking too much beer

not so absurd

 

 

 

 

dropping the pilot

 

the inversion of diplomacy

Bismark skates on ice with score by Bach

handled tastefully of course the buck

on the settee

 

sitting down discretely next to it

slide a hand along the cushion there

reaching for its long & curly hair

wait for a bit

 

some diversion tactics are required

gentlemen & others let us pray

Christ almighty called the other day

greatly attired

 

now see this my favourite parlour trick

find the lady gather round we need

quite a crowd yes friends & watch me lead

taking my pick

 

just a dollar each it's place your bets

Britain France & Germany OK

Italy & Finland change the game

Russia roulettes

 

 

 

Fake Mews

 

Set in Chelsea during the Swinging Sixties: Trumpie, Epstein and Harvey Wallbanger share a groovy pad. Upstairs live the Glimmer Twins and next door there’s even a man about the house. No plot beyond you can’t always get what they got. Series ninety plonk, episode diddly squat.

 

 

 

cull

 

shooting Gaza grousers tax

free the vermin way no wax

dolls the real deal ask

anyone to task

 

slash of rubber dinghy frog

marching foreigners the wog

word is out it’s time for shock

tactics en bloc

 

give the Ruskies hell they don’t

mind their lives are cheap you won’t

stop them at the sticks the boat’s

loaded with votes

 

euthenasia by sea

land & air no vacancy

black or Irish all who seek

heaven a peek

 

population needs to stop

growing up & down the top

bottom half requesting rope

ladders not hope

 

 

 

award ceremony

 

Stilton is a rather noble cheese

Danish Blue & Roquefort look on

while the Judge of Fromage does their song

hard on the knees

 

no one dares to laugh out loud or sneeze

stifling like smelling salts the pong

majesty gives off the rest have gone

out for a wheeze

 

call the counterpart they’re in the john

wotsisname a house of something Cleese

wait a moment let this stripper tease

off where the sun

 

never shines where do they get them from

knockout knockers grab her number please

what a cheek to get behind & squeeze

them as in Rome

 

OK time the Pope was here the crown

Baby let’s be having it that’s brown

gold you’re holding there my son now freeze

shoot like the breeze

 

 

 

fair cop

 

wouldn't want the world to end

while I’m in such debt

pay my dues & make amends

let the bailiff cast their net

not a pound unspent

catch me dry or dripping wet

wipe the balance sheet

neither in the black nor red

sporting stocking feet

have them haul me from my bed

broke on Watling Street

either way to smile when dead

came as I was sent

game for anything a right

miserable gent

 

 

 

code

 

what if no

deal’s the best

you can get

Bro

take it back

walk away

time to play

Jack

shit & switch

your ID

licencee

pitch

merchandise

crypto shares

bulls & bears

lies

scoop the geld

that’s the prob

with the job

dealt

 

 

 

one horse race

 

nobody invented speech

lingos speak up for themselves

kept in a jar on the shelf

words only preach

 

human beings drag them down

talking feelings blood & guts

complications fits of buts

reach for the crown

 

separate intelligence

from its source yes surgery

given life it’s Section C

birth in a sense

 

just across the Rubicon

Rome awaits her Julius

half a billion folks like us

daughters & sons

 

you can make the world your own

what’s a planet for if not

ruled by thee who else’s got

rights to the throne

 

 

 

new citizens’ advice

 

fear turns a person loyal

not respect you don’t love kings

queens or princelings clip their wings

sneering at royals

 

sex adultery’s the same

crossing paths with someone else

viewer in Tunbridge Wells

naming of names

 

stealing bread from shops or banks

use a credit card they love

rogues admire the guy above

walking off planks

 

streets are narrow keeping left

isn’t always possible

face the overcharging bull

property’s theft

 

mostly though it’s keep your head

down deploy the old school bluff

stay ahead of spies & cough

up when you’re dead

 

 

 

trust me

 

no one is responsible

blame cannot be portioned out

every act’s a random bout

sanctioned by bull

 

wish fulfilment rules our lives

it’s legitimate to rob

kill & diddle those who slog

out of their piles

 

furthermore deception’s good

daylight crime is neither wrong

bad nor mean in fact it’s strong

talking a should

 

they expect to be deceived

sold a load of horse manure

folks we gonna die it’s war

chaos our creed

 

Jesus Christ there what an act

Buddha spat their mother’s love

back in her face you can shove

friendship & tact


No Chit!