Tuesday, 5 January 2021

And the rest is her story.

She walked back into my life as I came out of the bank. I was stuffing a wad of euros in my jeans, there was a smallish rucksack slung over my shoulder and I had a ticket to Athens on the phone.

Sandra, where you been all these years?

She leant into me and steered us towards the pub,

The question is, where are you taking us, Batman?

I stood her a pint and got a swift half for myself. Thirty minutes to go and I knew the risks. Batman? More like a grey moth emerging from decades of blotches and bad haircuts. But just in case she meant what she said, I called her bluff,

Got your passport then?

As a rule...

And she was rooting through a huge knock-off Gucci bag that had been through the wars. A bit like Sandy herself, I was guessing. But it was no bluff,

Phew! I thought I’d lost it!

In date?

Now you gorra take me!

We drank up and legged it for the train.



Departures was full of hairy-legs in Bermudas with solarium tans. Many an eye was caught. When she gave my knee a squeeze under the table, I almost choked,

So... what's become of Dave?

Dave didn't phase her. Her eyebrows did little sideways jumps, counting back through Significant Others,

And yours?

The holiday was not to be divorced from certain precedents,

Had me moments, y'know.

But you weren’t expecting to bring-yer-own.

Her fingers did the walking. I didn’t tick her off,

Which would make me number what?

Excuse me! Her daughter was on the phone. Sandra switched voices and strutted off to the far end of the lounge. While she was gone, I had an urge to go through her “Gucci”. But she kept just in sight, pacing up and down as the planes taxied back and forth across the tarmac. It was like a quarter of an hour before she was back, smiling a tad sheepishly, Sorry, what were you saying?

I tried to copy the way her eyebrows had counted back,

Since Dave, I'd be number three, four, five..?

She laughed, shaking her grey-black curls and poked me in the chest,

Number Six!

An actual wave of tingles ran up my spine. I'd spent the 60s watching spy series, picturing myself in the swinging world, the dark one with a dishy sidekick in miniskirt and Playtex bra. “Six” was my lucky number.

Soon enough, I would confront that hackneyed myth. She'd been to the bar, insisting it was her round – it was, by the way. Caution cast to the wind, the tray sported pints and large whiskey chasers,

Cheers! I knew we'd make it one day. Her voice dropped, You were always there in the background, y'know? Now it was my arm she squeezed. At least I had been working out. Oh, God! She ejaculated, whiskey in hand, D'you remember that time?

December 24th 1978. I had cringed a thousand times,

No ta!

Her pink cheeks flushed red, and her voice began to tail off even before she spoke,

You... I... We just weren't ready for each...



Of course, there was no sitting snogging on the plane. It was a wonder she got a seat at all. I mean, when we showed up at the airline desk, there'd been a cancellation only minutes before. I reached into my pocket, thinking, Cane the cash - Or commit to plastic? Sandra beat me to it, handing over her Amex card and shooting a line about Air Miles. The airline clerk was almost as impressed as me.

The way she pleaded with groups of passengers to swop seats and let us sit together was barefaced bloody cheek. Sandra Mills desperate for my company? I got wondering if she’d been secretly stalking me for months. Had she been recruited by the competition? Was this all some industrial espionage plot? Anyhow, no one was willing to budge, and we spent half the flight pretending to queue for the lav,

So Sandra, what let's you drop everything and fly to Greece on a whim?

Well, I don’t “just drop everything”. She was rooting through her bag again. It was then I realised the Gucci emblem had worn too well to be a fake. Her fingers were free of tobacco stains, the nails were immaculate. She had good looking teeth, great compared to mine. Her cheeks were pink but not with the burst capillaries of a habitual drinker. Her grey hairs might even have been highlights. She had such a small little bulge below the waistline, like a strapping young marsupial. My eyes and hands were drawn, which I'm pretty sure she noticed. Meantime, I saw she carried a spare bra, two wallets and a large leather bound desk diary - before she pulled out a top of the range, ultra-thin, I-Pad, It's all in here!

You’re a journalist?

A guffaw,

Me so grand? No, I just tidy up people's books. I’m an accountant. Qualified years back. You'd never guess, eh?

No, but... Failing to swallow my surprise, I blurted, Don’t you.. got like... tons of receipts and stuff to lug about?

And I thought YOU were the whizz kid? She tapped the tablet. Everything's scanned into this. She made a mock-sad face, I'll have to put in an hour or so now and then. She gave me a low wink, While you're sleeping it off.



On the taxi ride down to Piraeus, freshened up on duty free Estée Lauder, she chilled right out,

God, I've never been through Athens itself! Can’t we stop here and do the Acropolis?

Tut tut, old girl, that'll have to come later. She half frowned. Look, sorry to put my foot down, but I haven't worked the last twelve months for that. My first aim is to sink a cold tinny on a hot beach, then dive into the azure main.

Which was a little speech that did the trick,

You put your foot down whenever, old boy! The owl Acropolis can wait a day or two.

But what you going to wear? I haven’t brought much, but you’ll be skinny dipping. What d'you say, we find us a nudie beach?

Ugh! Look, it’s forty degrees, for Christ's sake, all I need's a swimsuit, flip flops and a wrap.

There are shops near the ferries.



Which was my big mistake. It hardly occurred to me she'd be off just as fast as she'd showed. The local crowds were out, everybody was after seats on the same line of boats. With a bit of pushing and a lot of luck we bought tickets for the island in question, leaving a bare hour. Only the shops weren’t so near the port as I’d remembered. Despite that, we took the chance and – Murphy's Law – next minute we'd gone our separate ways. I'd only lingered for a moment at an antique stall, and she was nowhere to be seen. I stood looking about me, dumbfounded. Then I was bellowing her name... until people began staring. So I dived through every grotty little rag mart in sight. The minutes were flying by, blood was rushing to my head. Then it dawned on me she was back at the port! I ran like a madman, convinced she was waiting on the boat. I jumped aboard with the hooter blaring out and all the seagulls taking off. But of course, she wasn't there.


The slow boat - that’s all we'd managed to book - was bristling - stem to stern, as they say - with working class Greeks. I think it was the start of their Wakes Week, but it could just as well have been the last ferry crossing the Mersey to New Brighton. The tickets we'd bought – the only ones left - were for the first class saloon; so I had two numbered seats in air conditioned splendour. Only I knew from bitter experience, when things went wrong on Day One, Dipstick, you was in for one disaster after another.

Still, I scoured the hulk before totally giving in to fate. Even then, part of me was tempted to stay out on deck, the easier to toss my stupid self overboard and swim back to Athens. The sea was criss-crossed with faster ferries, catamarans, even a noisy old hydrofoil that cut across our bows. Where was she? She must have got cold feet and given me the slip. The Acropolis had won after all! Ho-hum! Sorry, Sandra, but what else was a guy to think? I ducked into the saloon, picking my way through people on the floor, whole families and backpackers spread out like a scene at a refugee camp. A stern looking woman in black dress - a modern Spartan, I decided - was sitting in one of the Pulmans. I didn’t even bother to point out it wasn’t her place. It was her place, after all.

I’d already checked the bar, leaving with one of those miniature ouzos, which I tipped into my water bottle. I sat in the coolish, if overcrowded, saloon, slowly supping the cloudy liquid, falling in and out of a doze. The boat would lurch and the Greek woman sit up, while I slunk further and further down, a washed-out old beggar.

How did I get this bloody low? A fortnight of harmless shenanigans on a paradise island lay before me. It wasn’t as though the best laid plans of mice & men were now ruled out. Actually, being ahead of the game, everything was already in place. The white-walled studio on the hill overlooking the harbour was booked and paid for. The larder was ready-stocked from an on-line shop I’d done; all that was left was to pick up the key and a box of fresh goodies from the agency. I even had this sexy little motor buggy waiting for me somewhere on the quayside. And if I drew no dice companion-wise, a friend had recommended an app. Well, there was a first time for anything.

However, none of this consoled me in that noisy frigging saloon. I think the designers had deliberately sited it directly over the engine room in order to spite the 'rich folks' in their first class compartment. Money hadn't bought me comfort, never mind love. Not only bereft, I felt like an interloper. This nook of Greece would be plain parochial, like Rhyl in a heat wave. I could picture all the kids out on the beach tomorrow with their buckets and spades, and this loser wandering along in flannels and a straw boater. Not that I own flannels or any kind of hat (I am still cool, dontcha know). But that inner fool of mine was no James Bond, either; no Man in a Suitcase, not even the prudish Number Six. My Spartan neighbour was reading a Dan Brown novel. I couldn't make out the title but I decided that here in Greece Brown was an exotic foreign author. She read intently. I could see her reflection in the window opposite. Off guard, she didn't look so stern. Her brows were seriously knotted, but there was still a touch of girlishness where the hair grazed the back of her neck. When I glanced again, she caught me out. I stuffed the half drunk cloudy water bottle back into my rucksack.

Another four hours would pass before the mid summer sun dipped into the wine dark sea and the ill-chosen island came into view. Every so often, I'd wake and try to cheer myself up. No easy task. Even through the air conditioning of First Class, the sickly vanilla of custard tart would have turned the stomach of a professional pie eater. Eventually I recalled my resolution over the lingo, fishing out the phrase book and resuming where I’d left off the summer before. Kally spera! Eff-har-eestoh! Teek-hahnness? If it wasn't too obvious, perhaps my bluestocking neighbour would offer to help? Enna, dee-oh, tree-ah, tesseruh...

Everyone bailed out of the saloon as the boat rounded a headland and turned in towards port. As predicted, the sun was setting – a tremendous sight from the crowded deck. Still half a kilometre from shore, the warmth of night was closing in. Strings of lights along the promenade twinkled gaily; and the white and blue buildings climbing the hill behind looked picture perfect in the dusk. Despite all this eye-candy, the ouzo long having faded, I was nursing a throbbing head and a dry throat. Worse than that, sobering up brought on a panic attack. My heart was already pounding when we bumped against the quay and everyone lost their balance. In that moment, the Spartan - who had appeared right next to me again – more or less grabbed my elbow. Our eyes met, quite unintentionally, at least on my part. But she quickly pardoned herself and turned away. The sheen of sweat that had appeared on her brow was not on my account. She was scouring the promenade for someone. And there he was, her personal Greek god: an aging Hercules with shiny bald pate and goatee. We were hardly over the gangplank when he had plucked her from the crowd, scooped her up - baggage and all - and conducted her to his scooter. Off she went, as though with one stroke of his Creator's pen, Dan Brown had written her out of my story. For a second, it felt like all adventure and romance was gone for ever out of my life. And it was just then, when the surge of passengers had carried me into the agora of souvenir shops and taverna, that I heard her call my name,

Michael!

Uh?

She's behind ya!

Sandra?

Oh, you are a sight! It's been hours. I couldn't get a signal, not that I even had your stupid number...

I know! But how come you're already here?

I stowed away on that old hydrofoil. It went like a bomb. Giz a kiss, then!

And the rest is her story.

She's behind ya! 

Tuesday, 1 December 2020

Jack-in-the-Box


no great fall



rich as it may seem

nothing but an oaf at heart

clings so gracelessly



all the counting men

totting up his pros & cons

couldn’t save him now



he will drag us down

grope around for allies here

there & everywhere



should we sympathise

empathise or even cry

for the love of god



when the only way

in the cruel light of day

is to say goodnight







Mars



Cousin Sam my dear

shan’t be coming home this Fall

who’s got into me



something odd you’ll bet

when a oldster turns sixteen

goodness knows their head



tell the folks back home

nothing untoward & yet

wonders never cease



should this msg find

you’ve gone AWOL too my child

heaven knows you tried



all the chai in time

makes no difference this is mine

blame it on the press







Jack-in-the-box



God what promise you

showed as your approval rates

rose like pyramids



boldly taking on

human form from Mother Earth

through to Superman



worshipping became

everyone's ritual or

cuppa Rosie Lee



feet of clay to jet

booted saviour like sheep

people flocked to dunk



bread in wine or praise

architecture & receive

miracles in reward



popes & caliphs reigned

claiming spokesman status with

intercession rights



heretics to burn

child abuse to go unchecked

even when exposed



God the liberties

taken in the name of Love

cut the bad to shame



when the Deus ex

machina broke down one night

folks would not believe



after all those years

clinging on was safer than

going it alone



rolling back the stone

they repaired their god with faith

idol turned to man



female deities

played a part as mother wife

even concubine



superstitious folk

clutching chits from holy ghosts

claimed their afterlife



who could prove them wrong

no one ever caught the boat

home to tell the tale



just the lord of wine

and a he-man dressed in furs

chanced to cross the line



stories children tell

have more ring of truth in them

let the tocsin ring



time to meet your end

heed the call & hang your boots

up on anti-gen





tweet tweet



when the final charge

on the last remaining phone

winks & flickers out



will there still be sun

light and wind or tides a Moon

circling round an Earth



what is human thought

but anxieties about

such uncertainties



when we're dead and gone

left our plastic waste & waves

wafting into space



archaeologists

from imponderable worlds

should remark on this

Never too late!



Sunday, 1 November 2020

swansong of the month

 

half baked/half burnt


Fried Bread on Toast


The Sock Puppet: Welcome to the show! We've brought in two classical scholars to find out just which of them – a grand pair of old Oxbridge lags - is the jolliest good fellow.

Fried Bread: I say, this is a bloody cheek. Oxbridge? What the HELL is an Oxbridge when it's at home?

Toast: Quite. I could happily go to the foot of our marble staircase!

Fried Bread: Well put, old chap!

The Sock Puppet: So, are you denying being graduates of the two snobbiest educational cliques in the country?

Toast: Certainly not!

Fried Bread: Now you're hitting the spade on the head!

The Sock Puppet: Are you both from filthy rich backgrounds?

Fried Bread: There's nothing dirty about ours.

Toast: And there's nothing background about mine.

The Sock Puppet: Which of you is the greatest polymarf?

Toast: 'Tis said abroad my friend here holds that distinction.

Fried Bread: (bowing) I thank you.

Toast: As a frequent ex-cyclist, I believe in giving credit where it is due. But don't worry, I shan't be offering you a couple of grand on decent terms.

Fried Bread: Then you also acknowledge my superior earning capacity?

Toast: For those of us in public service, the only true rewards are free accommodation and the occasional ear of Her Royal Maj.

Fried Bread: What about doing the odd line in the royal lavs?

Toast: As a son-of-John, I do apologise. You must be mixing me up with someone else. ELTON John, perhaps?

Fried Bread: Perish the thought. Elton and I go a long way back...

Toast: ...as the choirboy said to the bishop.

Fried Bread: Now, now!

The Sock Puppet: Let's discuss your uncanny resemblance to Pericles, the secret tyrant who rescued Athens from the clutches of revolutionary democrats.

Toast: You have me there.

The Socket Puppet: What would you have for your Last Brexit?

Toast: Smoked Haddock with a lightly poached egg on top.

The Sock Puppet: Fried Bread?

Fried Bread: Very funny indeed.

The Sock Puppet: Turning to your reputations as authors, which of you holds the record for forests obliterated?

Fried Bread: I believe my environmental credentials are pari qua non.

Hovis Bunsen: Don't you mean, pari non qua?

Jesus F. Christ: Well, it's like the Judgement of Paris.

Sonny Bon Jove: They all look the same from behind.

Huge Lorry Driver's Mate: Pull over, I need to get out for a minute.

Toast: FFS, just fill a plastic water bottle and drop it on the hard shoulder!

Fried Bread: As I said, my views on digital pollution are without equal...

The Sock Puppet: And we'd like to assure the public that no keyboards were soiled during the production of this broadcast. I declare the contest a draw!

Toast: I demand a recount!

Fried Bread: And I demand a rebate on my income tax.

Toast: You will see me afterwards.

Fried Bread: Famous last words.


swansong of the month


turning water into cheese has been

public target number one for him

he has always woven thick from thin


bet himself a million times to win

fame’s a lottery the zip code kid

now's the time to hedge his fund again


give the plate a final dozy spin

the alternative's a near run thing

meet at Waterloo the Chunnel train


break déjeuner in the lion's den

pardon my French but what’s eating them

frogs is envy you gotta choose one


side or other sit down & talk plain

horse sense anything else keep the plan

secret get the kids to dance & sing


***


he's his own philosophy you dig

selfish giant from the Nibelung

rides a donkey wears an amber ring


taken for the saviour bless his shlong

always hungry at the supper gong

rarely comes in late & never wrong


spent the war on furlough Mr Big

organised a Wagner tribute gig

selling tickets in a powdered wig


Rolling Stones refused to play or sing

he & Mick had words so called The King

do some cover versions kinder thing


Jesus on the line he said he'd ring

tell Him when The Grateful Dead have sung

He can warm them up for Stick The Pig


***


here I'm making a prediction on

China was & is a Neverland

oh my gosh they fucken stole my wind


tell you what to make amends let's sing

20,000 light years from what d'you

mean the metre doesn’t scan it rhymes


showbiz ain't the game it was back then

I'd a been a star for certain can

anyone deny I had the skin


God's my witness paid His limousine

so who's missing from this final scene

bring the whole caboodle bang the bong


only gonna say this once again

China is a kindergarten Son

OK now we’ll do just one more song


...from the chapbook:


Click here to purchase

Not Again!




Sunday, 4 October 2020

2-Sheds Greerson on Sappho et al

 

Germaine Greer In Her Prime

Germaine Greer’s celebrity status must have made it hard for the lowly publisher's boy to have read her tome in draft form and said, “Well yes, Ms. Greer, it contains some super stuff, but does it really have to be such a hotch podge?” Myself, I'm not totally against the sprawling baggage of it – it’s all about women poets, yes – but it's less a book than a great bundle of notes. There’s a fair tranch of literary sleuthing here, the drafts of three different postdoctoral theses, and piles of memos towards a crusader’s manifesto. Oh, Germainey Greerson!

I’m coming to this owl feminist treasure a bit late in life, having read nothing much by her (not even The Female Eunuch). I first stole glances at Kate Millet back in the 70s, so I suppose I wasn’t looking for much else in the way of wimmin's literary criticism. Miller destroyed DH Lawrence & Norman Mailer in one fell swoop, did anyone else need doing? Well, yes, of course; but not.. glancing over my shoulder... necessarily with my collusion... Ostensibly, Greer’s book sets out to knock women poets off their lowly pedestals. But the reason I pick out Slip-Shod Sibyls (1995, hrdbck, v. gd cnd, Xfm, Bld St. L1, £3.95 ) is because their author has most recently been having a go at transgender folk, and I’m curious to know what makes her tick, as well as thirsty for a cheap take on Sappho. On the positive side, I get some of what I’m looking for; so thanks Dr Greer, you have delivered; though not in the way I was expecting. Was it ever.

Is this really yet another book on Sappho? Well, that would be taking a liberty with it. But Slip-Shod Sibyls does exactly so with its readers. Here goes, then... Who exactly was Sappho, when she was at home? Back in the day (ie the Classical Era onwards) she was sometimes called The Female Homer. She was also known as The Woman Poet, as if that made her one of a kind. But staying with Homer for a kick off, what does it mean to be his female equivalent?

He, blind, led by a boy, came down from Mount Ida with two complete epic poems in his head. Each piece was long enough to take several days to perform. He’d have toured from state to city state, from the shores of Western Anatolia, across the islands and mainland of Greece, to the badlands of Macedonia; possibly he even crossed the Adriatic to work the Greek colonies on the nearside of Italia. His source material came from generations of previous bards. Modern scholars identify some sections of the epics where the style differs (uses a different vocabulary, has alternative word forms, displays other grammar structures). These are usually considered to be interpolations or corruptions of the original text. But there is always the possibility that they were Homer’s additions to a common corpus. And it’s also possible that Homer wasn’t one person, but himself an amalgam of bards. His blindness, and therefore his illiteracy, could also have been exploited and copied by tribute acts. He may even have performed with a troupe of musicians, though the semi-staged form of epic verse performance – the dithyramb – probably came later on. What is certain, however, is that at some point his work began to be transcribed, and thus ceased to exist in a purely oral form.

Unless Homer was a former soldier, blinded by a barbarian arrow - which surely would have been noted somewhere - he didn’t compose from his own experience. The craft was storytelling, and what we get from him is the skill to redress well-known stories in more entertaining garb. There is a religious aspect to the art form he used, and which we have come to know as epic poetry. In fact by the late classical era, his Iliad and Odyssey were being studied in the same way the Old and New Testaments were poured over by scholars of the early modern era. So when a Greek scroll jockey of the late classical period refers to Sappho as the Female Homer, was does it mean?

There’s not much Boys’ Own stuff in Sappho, just references to her brother's Káraksus's voyages. Was he an early Sinbad of the Aegean? But who knows what else was there, because there’s not much of anything in Sappho. Her work was largely exterminated by the iconoclasts of Byzantium (between the sixth and ninth centuries AD). Not content with destroying Christian images, successive waves of Orthodox Puritans also burned the titillating books of ancient authors. Sappho’s fall from Female Homer to seedy pornographer left only references to her work in the notes of the classical literati.

Ironically, while Homer’s true origins are disputed by rival city states, Sappho’s are far easier to reconstruct in time and place. Probably during the eighth or early seventh century BCE, her grandfather(s) or great-grandfather(s) joined a band of Aeolian adventurers from mainland Greece that seized the island of Mytilene (also called Lesbos) from its aboriginal rulers. Quite what ‘aboriginal’ means in this context is not clear, but the archaeological evidence points to less sophisticated groups of inhabitants until the late archaic period. Enslaving the indigenous folk (to live off their labour, the fruits of the land, and the surrounding sea) gave Sappho’s lot aristocratic status. This meant she’d’ve had sufficient leisure to to spend her days on extra murals. It’s thought that she and her contemporary, the soldier-poet Alcaeus, suffered under a new political regime on Mytilene, which had taken over from the descendants of the island’s conquerors. But whereas Alcaeus’s faction failed in its attempt to seize an outpost on the mainland (and restore their fortunes), Sappho’s family got into trade, although this too may not have been enough to maintain her status. Later in life she seems to have left the island and to sing for her supper, as it were, like Homer on an extended tour of Greece.

Turning back to what little we know of Sappho’s output, these fragments could hardly be more different from Homer. No epic works are cited, all her known pieces were song-length verses in a variety of rhythms. Some were hymns to the gods, others appear to have been occasional verses associated with events, such as an annual celebration of female beauty, or the anticipated return of Káraksus from a trading voyage. She gets the credit for strumming the kitara (a type of harp) with a plectrum, which would highlight the rhythmic quality of her grooves. She composed in the Aeolian dialect of Greek; and the enduring popularity of her verses, along with those of Alcaeus and the earlier soldier poet Archilochus (of Paros), must have contributed to its survival into the Hellenistic and Roman eras. Sappho was not the first Greek poet to have used her own erotic japes as source material for songs (Archilochus's humorous love ditties for inst.), but since her verses were collected in nine volumes, the quantity as well as the quality of the catalogue must have been impressive. Nor were Sappho and Alcaeus the first popular and innovative stars to have been discovered on the island. Arion of Mythymna (on the North East corner) had flourished at Periander’s court over in Corinth about half a century earlier. Tribute acts to all four of these Aeolian bards were active from the late fifth century onwards. Another major point to point out is that as Archilochus and Alcaeus both innovated by including their less reputable behaviour in song (eg, getting roaring drunk, and running off battlefields), whereas Sappho celebrated love for both men and women in verse (and that may not have been considered odd at the time). Later on, she gained a reputation for what became known as lesbianism, while Archilochus got himself banned in Sparta.

If Homer's work sprang from a pre-existant tradition of epic story-telling, what did Sappho have to draw on? Songs sung to give thanks or to plea for help at religious gatherings certainly; and also work songs – women's work in particular, and Eressos (the area Sappho's family are associated with) is on one of the largest agricultural plains that occur here and there between the dry, rocky hills of Mytilene. We also know sailors and sea fishermen of all countries and times have used song as a means of bonding to carry out arduous and repetitive tasks. Sappho's family included seafaring folk, so it's logical to assume she would have heard sea shanties sung by the men at home. There's a tradition on the island that a “beauty contest” took place somewhere near the head of the Gulf of Gera, and it's possible a female beauty cult may even have existed prior to the Aeolian invasion. Again, this occasion may be seen as partially religious as, for example, the ancient Olympics were; but music would be the natural accompaniment to such a gala, whether it was a civic or a religious rite. And then there is the strong possibility that marriage ceremonies would have been the setting for musicians and singers to gather, so for Sappho to have travelled there – even by boat, as it is two or three days' gruelling walk from Eressos – could have been a regular fixture of her year. Alcaeus is said to have composed for symposia - a posh name for drinking parties - and since it's known he was familiar with her work, it's also possible that women either took part in these, or held similar parties of their own.

While Homer's work was seen to embody virtues and failings such as valour, pride, betrayal, heroism and despair – we know that Sappho's work was valued for its portrayal of emotions. Because the canon we have is so pitiful, we can only speculate on some of the areas she touched on. Love, longing and envy we can be sure of. There seems to be a certain amount of voyeurism, and since Sappho's feelings transcended gender, and because her affections were not purely sexual anyway, it seems she might have sung of sisterhood as well as brotherhood, and possibly parenthood. If she was not universally revered in the ancient world – as Homer was – she was beloved of many. Any woman, whether housewife or hetaira, who could sing Sappho's songs would herself have been revered.

What does Germaine Greer have to say about the context Sappho wrote in, and why her work – after circulating for a thousand years - gradually and effectively disappeared? I’m afraid the lengthy chapter on Psappha, as she prefers to call the woman, is mostly an engagement with those translators and critics who have spent much (if not the whole!) of their careers on what would otherwise have been an obscure literary backwater, given the paucity of material to work from. Sappho must hold the record for the greatest number of words written on the scantiest of fragments. Yet every other year, out comes another major translation, flooding the market with page upon page of prefaces, footnotes, endnotes, agendas addendas, pudendas and acknowledgements to be flogged at twenty-odd quid the hit. And so we have Greer throwing her oar into this wet and dry fray and I wonder if she has anything of real value to add? The basic premise of her book is that women poets never really got started in this male preserve, and we do them a disservice by holding them up to the same standards as their male colleagues. But I don’t think this close textual analysis of Sappho’s flimsy remnants sorts the myths from the perceived history. In fact, I think it would be misogynistic to suggest that the purging of Sappho was anything other than her being lumped with the other ancient writers who were subversive, and whose work least conformed to early puritan values.

Instead, Greer chooses to benchmark her view of women poets on the legacy of Sappho; showing how her work was first imitated or recycled by the Romans Catullus and Ovid, and then reconstructed from the Renaissance onwards. She shows how being compared to Sappho has fared through the ages, reaching a very low point at the turn of the eighteenth century, when the term “a Sappho” was used for a kind of literary prostitute, ie: a woman poet who traded on her sex. (Our author, having served time in the porn racket, might know something about that.) But this much is true, male poets - Rochester, for example - are never referred to as "an Alcaeus" or "an Archilochus".

But, oh dear, I'm afraid have struck out far beyond Greer’s scheme of work. So what? In fact, her book gets going with a hundred pages on what it means to be a woman poet, and on the Tiresian hermaphroditism of much poetry. The latter serves as both as benchmark for the notion that poetry shouldn’t need sexing at all; and the ground rule that male and female poets may write from the viewpoint of either sex. In the former, Greer kicks off the global, multilingual cross-era scope of these studies by quoting a bunch of Italian Renaissance women poets in the original (transliterated as footnotes). Here, she says, women could compose poetry without reference even to the framework of courtly expectation. In a sort of Pre-Raphaelite approach, she evokes a golden era of versifying by women unconstrained by market forces. Publication being a disaster for young women who, in the centuries to come, would shoot to sudden fame in England (and elsewhere).

Dealing with “the enigma of Sappho” in chapter four, then, is a somewhat retrograde move, before resuming the early modern thread she left off in Renaissance Italy. Greer roughly divides the women poets of seventeenth century England into those whom class and leisure gave the opportunity to write - and writers for a living. Aphra Behn, being literally first and foremost of the professional female scribes, gets two chapters. But mostly it’s the aristocratic ladies - who wrote for coteries of friends, and whose works were either bootlegged by pamphleteers or published as vanity works - that get most of her attention. Indeed, she seems to prefer those women who could write without worrying about paying the bills. But it’s the extent to which the work of both groups was altered before publication - in some cases while simply being transcribed – that most interests her. Women submitting their work to men for approval (either as upper class amateurs, or as women writing to order (the lower class professionals), meant them not merely having a few spelling or grammatical mistakes edited out; but the frequent excision of whole verses and the complete rewriting of lines was their lot. And the fact this seems to have been done most often with their approval seems to suggest that women naturally accepted men’s superiority in literary matters. Greer argues that the devaluation of women poets has its roots in women’s lack of education at this time, in the tendency to demure to the opinion of better educated men. She reinforces this argument with page upon page of quotations illustrating discrepancies between manuscript poems and their printed versions. Whereas with Sappho, where the close reading is in the interpretation of ambiguous or missing Greek words, the distinctions are much less open to dispute...

It's at this juncture that I begin to think of Greer as someone muttering in a shed. These pages of proofs are challenges to various obscure academics, rather than pertinent examples to be set before the public. I go back to the transliterations (the word-by-word translations she quoted alongside the Renaissance Italian poems) and I can’t help wondering if she has read the originals at all? I wonder if all that ancient Greek wasn’t just Greek to her, or is she really qualified to do more than read the ancient alphabet and pronounce the words? I wonder if, like some literary Jack-of-all-trades, she isn’t just trying to trump all academics in all fields in order to make her view more widely accepted? I’m sorry to labour the argument, but I wonder if she isn’t a 2-Sheds Greerson, muttering in pseudo Italian in one hut, and bastard Greek in the other? I wonder if, like in the Monty Python sketch I’m alluding to (the interview with "Arthur 2-Sheds Jackson") she shouldn’t be brought to book, not on the new symphony she has written, but on the need for two sheds? Gustav Mahler, after all, wrote nine whole symphonies in ONE shed (let’s call a hut a shed, eh?). OK, this is getting silly. But so is dragging us bystanders in on one academic dispute after another. I mean, there may be room for argument here, but surely not for contradiction; let's just agree that women, like all writers, have been edited, bowdlerised, marginalised, cheated, plagiarised, pilloried and plain dumped; and that most anyone determined to make a living by their pen is apt to be exploited.

But to be driven to suicide or subjected sexual abuse are other matters indeed. Greer quite rightly points out that the incidence of suicide and early death amongst successful women poets of both the nineteenth and twentieth centuries is appalling. L.E.L., a woman poet in the early nineteenth century is an early example of the phenomenon. Shooting to fame as a teenage poet in the 1820s, by the mid 30s, with a successful on-going writing career, she married a colonial officer, moved to the Cape Colony, and within a few months had taken her own life (with poison she had taken along for the job). From L.E.L. to Sylvia Plath, who gassed herself in 1963, the poetry scene is littered with female suicides, and the dead bodies of female bards - from Browning to Bishop – whose lifestyle choices - addictions - brought them early death. Greer doesn’t crassly try to explain these deaths, she points out the common factors. One is early fame, another is self harm or abusive relationships. Also, many of these women poets who killed themselves have written about suicide, or their work shows a strong interest in death or dying. Furthermore, there seems to be an association of poetry with suffering, which affects more women than men.

The Duke of Rochester’s niece may or may not have been abused by him, though it seems one Restoration aristocrat or another did abuse her as a child. In another century, L.E.L. may have been blackmailed out of her youthful earnings either by an abuser himself, or by someone who knew she had been abused. The early Victorian period was an extreme reaction to the excesses of the previous generation. Two centuries before, while London was recovering from the puritanism of the Interregnum, liberty suddenly brought exposure to market forces. Women writers without an income had little to keep them from the debtors’ prison than to sell themselves in one way or another. Aphra Behn may even have had to become a spy in order to maintain her standing at the court of Charles II. But in contrast to what she says about the suicide of women poets, Greer doesn’t present much evidence of sexual or other abuse appearing in the work. The line seems to be that women poets – like Sappho, the Renaissance Italians or whoever let love rule their emotional lives - would end up being damaged by it. At the same time, women poets who eschewed carnal love in their work, for example Christina Rossetti or Elizabeth Bishop, would become cold and remote. Women poets, it would seem, often suffer from an addiction to pain, which for some originates in their abuse as children or teenagers.

I read somewhere that Germaine Greer eschews biography. It may have something to do with the way she has been portrayed over the years. But she has courted publicity for six decades now, and her latest tirades against transgender folk are typical of the controversial stance she has taken over several great issues. Back in the Sixties and Seventies, she was deliberately aligning herself with Hugh Heffner, to the horror of her sisters in the feminist movement. And her appearances in Playboy - both in print and a swimming costume - were actually child's play compared to some of her other exposures. Neither should it be forgotten that she's made shed-loads of money out of books, magazines and associated activities; and including just one very brief brush with the law, this notoriety has only boosted her sales and appearance fees. At one point she owed so much in back revenues that, like many of the pop stars of the day, she bunked off into tax exile. I'm sorry, but I find it impossible to take anyone's controversial stance too seriously when it's clear they get a sales hike every time they take one

But to get back to biography, as it appears in this book, the cases of Aphra Behn, Anne Wharton (Rochester’s niece) and especially L.E.L. deserve Greer's special insight, sleuthing and comparative Lit. Crit.. If you exclude all the notes and index, almost a quarter of the book is taken up by Letitia Landon. Known to her public as L.E.L. (her middle name, btw, was Elizabeth), she was beloved as the writer of epic verse fantasies set in Renaissance Italy. This was a genre not unfamiliar to the generation before her short lifespan (1802-38), for example in the gothic romance novels of Charlotte Dacre. But by writing in verse and adopting a pseudo Byronic tone, she succeeded in carving out a decent living from a loyal fanbase. Greer gives us a comparative analysis of the work, showing that despite the fantastic nature of her stories, their fatalistic plots pointed towards a flawed psychology that would lead, ultimately, to her own suicide. Setting her life alongside that of many other young women poets who died before their primes - by taking their own lives or having unhealthy lifestyles - would have been sufficient. But for some reason we are then treated to a full-on account of her love life, a literary scandal she was embroiled in, speculation on the blackmail theory, pages of asides around the London literary and art scene, and finally we are plunged into pure biography territory with the introduction of George Maclean - a dour Scot and sub-specimen of the David Livingstone species with whom L.E.L. falls, apparently in love. Two thousand words serve just to introduce him. There follows a dozen ups and downs in as many pages, before they marry and then, after another well documented delay, take off for the Cape. True, as history, it's fascinating stuff, but writing that veers so far off track could almost be a different author's work. While a twenty or thirty pages are enough for Greer to cover Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Christina Rossetti's equally complex and puzzling lives, why L.E.L.'s warrants a hundred baffles me. This is serious muttering in a hut, arguing with phantom critics in a wash-house, getting all academic in the john. Because, if she wasn't such a snob about biography, perhaps the writer could have cut to the chase and done a decent, modern, scholarly job on L.E.L.’s?

And here's where my big question kicks in: what makes Dr. Greer tick? What drives her into this position where women have not made great poets because the poetry world has been run by men, and so it follows that women poets have never truly been themselves?

Greer believes in women’s liberation, but she’s never been an equal rights activist. For her, men and women are different creatures. As long as women have to play by men's rules, they'll always come second or third. She's an apocalyptic feminist, one who believes in a revolution where women will break away from men and set up their own rules. She doesn’t tell us when this will come about, which comet will be flying past at the time; or if she does tell us, we'll have to buy another of her books to find out.

For many people feminism and socialism are two sides of the same coin. For the others, the balancing force is wicca or some other natural order. They're opposing viewpoints, because whereas the former speaks to reason and common sense, the latter is essentially religious. And those who use dialectical argument to explain supernatural concepts are mavericks. True, from the neck down, men and women have two or three fundamental differences; but from the neck up the differences are literally all in the mind. It's true that hormones can affect our mental state, but who was it that went around banging the drum for HRT a few decades back? And how many middle aged women sat up and took notice of her? Gynaecologists were rubbing their hands.

Winning an argument does not mean simply telling the truth. You can floor the opposition with a pithy put-down, with a gem of pseudo science, with an emotional appeal to loyalties, or with a nugget of prejudice masquerading as proof. Has Greer defended suttee – the burning of a wife on her husband's funeral pyre - for its cultural value? I think not, but she has said that female genital mutilation is an enduring cultural practice that people in the West should stop trying to stamp out. In other words, she invokes anti-imperialism in order to defend an extreme form of sexual violence against girls. If I begged to point out that the excision of the clitoris was as irreversible as beheading the victim, I might just win the argument. But I don't need to say more than selling millions of books did not make Hitler's views on race acceptable, or truthful.

It's a shame I had to say that, because Germaine Greer has probably done more good than any other advocate of women's liberation and - despite her contrarian views - for equality. Her outspokenness and the appeal she's had to both sexes (for whatever reasons) have raised crucial issues, and her own years in the limelight have served as a beacon to far more than just her own worth. I wonder if sometimes she doesn't just argue for the sake of it, knowing that awareness is raised no matter how or why.

To sum up, I would argue that of course there IS some truth in Germaine Greer's point of view – that women have often failed to be in favourable comparison with men (as poets and many other professions) because men have made the rules. But as can be seen from the preeminence of Sappho in the highly personal, emotional verse of late antiquity onwards, women - unhindered by precedence, convention or economy - can make an art form their own. And while women have colluded in the exploitation of their sex by excluding themselves & limiting their own opportunities, it isn't right to denigrate what they HAVE achieved. Not enough Mary Shelleys have come to the fore; and women painters and composers have had a lousy deal over the years. But the idea it will take a revolution that sets men and women apart to see the emergence of female equivalents of Homer, Shakespeare et al is messianic defeatism. That leaves Germaine Greer in a rather poor light, I'm afraid. But I don't think she gives a damn, and we kind of love her for that.

Not Everyone's Hut!