Summer Beach Reading

Beach Book Bitch  

New beach novel by Debbie Clinton amanuensis Hilary Harry smashes jewellers' window for Little Brown Jug. “Hanging On The Other Line, Vol 5” peaked at 170 k downloads per hour 5pm Friday.

Book Bitch Blagging

 Beachness abounds at the Writers' Olympics being staged this week here at the London Publishing Fair. Come ye all who would enter the Slag, the Show'em or the Bilge. Entrance is Free. Exit via Advocates' Alley.

Troy Story Eliot

Still no bitch on the errant Bartolimous Stinkfoot Mm, posted by TS Eliot Wednesday. All e.copies of “Lego, It's My Foot - Vol 7!” mysteriously vanished from networks and stations by teatime Thursday. A self-destruct viral implant in the source code seems most likely. Still doesn't explain why the glamorous & bejewelled Ms Eliot should want only the fastest readers of her books to finish the seventh vol of the Lego series. Total sales of 55m reported at the close, amid slight disappointment for investors.

Sandals thrown at group of wannabe Bitch Writers visiting Rick's Bar Friday night. The protest, religious in character, took place in the hour between Sundown and Nightfall. A spokesman for Rick said that the joint would remain open for business throughout the month, but an independent source claimed - as a concession to moderate extremists - there will be no belly-dancing on the floor, and no Roulette or Poker tables in the back room. Phoo-ee for the Secular State!

“Arse”, most downloaded e.novel in history, passes Vol 177 tomorrow. Biggest rival “Twat”, also on its 177th brick, is down two clicks. “Cock” and “Bollocks” still trail the leaders by a long & winding bitch.

No escape from helipad

Zombies Invade Little Brown Jug. A horde of lost souls wafted through the offices of the world's biggest publishing bubble lunchtime Friday. Many carried placards bitching for union rights, others chanted slogans – curiously only receivable on wireless valve sets. No Sea Monsters were reported. Police are investigating the leak.

Jilly Cooper, 7.1% voting stakeholder in Polo Bitch Range, has found a tame stoat living in her Buckinghamshire garden. Also known as weasel, stoat is most famous for imprisoning author Kenneth Grahame in a riverside hollow. The stoat poses no threat to the florid & gap-toothed Ms. Cooper, who is armed and dangerous.

Bitch Ball Novelist Gastard Du Prat has announced his retirement due to alcoholic relapse. At a press conference in Lourdes, France, his agent said he continues to write as Nome Du Plumber and Paris Brothel.

“Push-Bike Bitches” the new series by “Fox-Hunt Bitches” creator, Lucy Takings, is a bold attempt to cash-in on the success of Bradley Wiggin's Tour de France victory. “Push-Bike Bitches” will be released under the E.Nerd imprint, Vols 1 thru 7 appearing Tuesday thru Thursday.

Badmouth.org creator Deter Bitch is being sought by Interpol.com. The Badmouth site, which releases libellous criticism of authors living or dead, inc. accusations of murder, arson and treason, was reported down a few hours Friday. A spokesperson for Deter Bitch said his whereabouts were well encrypted. Badmouth.org is a franchise of The Hoodlum Press.

Finally, in other news; drilling work on the Pfunnel - the Pacific Tunnel - is being held up by squids protesting chronic environmental vibration...

Sock it to 'em