2015 Summer Beach Book Bitch

Ten Top

Editor's Comment:

A thumping good book does your head good.

No. 1: Teach Yourself Geek

Little Brown Jug, £45

Caught on the bloody beach without your AK47, what you need is a joystick that can move mountains. Spirol Agenue's Teach Yourself Geek was written in a corkscrew elevator stuck on the switchback, forcing its author to face his own existential nightmare. The result is a tome you'll read hiding under your chaise longue, or between gulps of air as you drift slowly out to sea covered only by a sagging Lilo. Bundled free with Kindle Waterproof.

No. 2: Fit On The Fiddle*

Random Bag, £9.04

In last summer's fast foodie fest, Fat For Free, Sally Bumkick's pendulum swung on benefits. Now she's after share issues. Cabinet Miser Ruddy – Great Food Bank Swindle - Rottweiler sheds a few miserable pounds & claws back several million with stock options on charity shops. Just as VAT cashbacks became dole to the rich, Rottweiler's Poverty Bonds are set to reach investment slot No. 1. Sandpaper-backed & cash-strapped for staleness.

*nffs in The Channel Islands, Isle of Gods or Canvey.

No. 3: Dr. Amstrad Pfaertkettle's Bunion Mix

Callard & Bowser, 6/- a pound

An MD with fifty years service on her pegs at nostalgic Woolworth's sweet counters, Dr Pfaertkettle knows what tastes good to eat between snacks. Varicose veins in red liquorice, aniseed toe nail scratchings, marzipan verucas & candied heels all dusted with sherbet foot-rot mean Bunion Mix isn't much of a novel or even a work of fiction. It isn't quite a book either, but at one shilling & sixpence for four ounces, who's reading the tin?

No. 4: Grow Your Own Carbuncles by Cameron Worstcase writing as Beverly Undercoat

DIY part works, free with paint & screws

Jewel in the crown or boil on the forehead? Third Eye Sore or just a wonder to behold? Controversy rages not over the SASCO (size, age, shape, colour & origin) of these controversial gimcracks but the cores of their crabby apples. Which god has given them respite, eh? Fish or goat? Anyhow, with a creaking good plot, writing that is sour-cherry ice-cream & a twist at the end - shampoo corks will be popping out of your ears.

No. 5: Pumpkin on the Couch

HMSO, £95

What constitutes therapy nowadays? Piranha spas for flaky feet, porcupine combs for teeth & gums, bad haircuts for Greek waiters, stolen cheese hats for Guardian readers & English for travellers with second hand luggage? So what's the dose for the psychotic pumpkin? To whom can catatonic cucumbers be taken in a crisis? At which mooring does one tie-up the marrow boat that has lost its canal route? Indeed, few squashes are served buttered. Lydia Hotbathnot's third attempt to novelise Pumpkin On The Couch syndrome should never have left her agent's ash-tray. There is no plot & no characters, beyond a sack of old spuds - tickled pink to their author's whim.

No. 6: Kick Out The Preservatives by Aska Chum

Little Brown Jug, 40 guineas

Natural family planning gets back in mode with a salacious augmentation of the Rhythm Method. Aroused already, eh? Then be a jammy blighter & read this rollicking good yarn of life outside the scum bag. Of course, KOtP is not for the squeamish - or those who require a high fibre content in their moral diet. But anyone seeking a dose of carnal laxative will enjoy this rude romp through the forecourts & alleys of Gotham, Knotts.

No. 7: The Cure For Snoring by Thorp Spinotorque

Cockroach Press, £15

Doubtless the definite article entitling this massive, eleven hundred page bildungsroman, a tome owner/readers are not recommended to hit themselves over the head with, can be used as a pillow. A cure, in fact, is that notwithstanding reference to indie bands of the 1980s still standing... and other even longer, unfinished sentences, hijacked half way through and, like the proverbial key down the back (or is that hiccups?) works or doesn't work either by magic, as if. And there you have itzzz... ZZzzzzzz... ZZZzzzz... Of many, many good tunes, clever lyrics and ¡Free Cherry Lipbalm!

No. 8: Unlearn Redundant Lines by Wolfram Belcher

Random Bag, £9.04

This semi-automated novel parser deletes excess CTRL & REM terms & purges the system of ageing 8- and 16-bit words. Includes options to wipe source directories of outdated, superseded & side-kicked PEEKs; plus prompts to edit out anomalous POKE & empty LOOPs. Machine codes ALL statements up to go-faster mode.

No. 9: Send No Blankets by Toluene Fowlup

Secret Hill, 60p

Disaster for colonists on Mars has alarm bells clanging on Canvey. Who called what from where? Grab the mike, Wilco. Now hear this. There ain't no coming back. Hic. Last orders please. Line 'em up. Can't split a note that big this time of day. No tick - what d'you fink this is, a gas giant? Are we ready, boys? Four, nine, three, eight, none. Stick your head between your knees and kiss Uranus goodnight.

No. 10: Parrots of the Carob Bean

Little Brown Jug, £85

The only graphic novel on this year's list doubles as a colouring book & rainbow number therapy vol.. Winner of all seven Grimm dwarves & children of advanced age, Mariella Pussyfoot's costume romp stars a crew of one-eyed, one-legged, single-minded wing-&-a-prayer ceiling gazers. Contains walk-on parts for lap-tankards, strip-plasterers & bottle-top croupiers. 70s retro riffs by Mat The Hippie.

Now Read On!

2014 Summer Beach Book Bitch

"No, not that Moon again!"

Sock Puppet's Annual Summer Beach Book Bitch is Back on the Rack!

At no. 1: "Sh*t H*pp*ns" by D*gl*ss T*rd. When the sleepy seaside resort of Bogton-under-the-Mere is plagued by an invasion of the old killer crapweed, Inspector Ernestina Gobshight is called in to investigate. Incapacitated by a severe case of the galloping runs, Ms. Gobshight turns her stinking en-suite at Ye Olde Fisherman's Hole into a Major Incident Room. Includes the welcome return of dastardly Professor Nosegay Von Pfart, plus dirty sox scenes interpolated by guest writer Yoni McEwans.

New at no. 2: "Foreign Matters" by Señor Coconut Macarooni. Entirely set during a single episode of downtown Llanfwllpyllgwyllediddion's all night fish'n'chip saga, "Cae-yr-Gerg", Macarooni's latest native alienation in South Wales is a tour-de-France of South Wales Native Alienation. Undistinguished by its weak links, this multi-lingual hipper text is typeset in no less than twelve hundred and thirty-four fonts. Comes complete with free pair of X-rated Spics and a packet of Mabinogion shorts (lubricated with 100% Welsh margarine).

Dropping to no. 3: In "The Swimming Cap" by Nylons De Spinster, Wroittenmouth Parish Council's decision to introduce a swimming cap at the local duck pond is greeted with flatulent berries, cries of outrage and an alliance between postal voters and Euro benefit touts. When the mean two-circuit pond limit is hiked by a Changing Booth Tax and increase in Locker Key Charge, the action moves to an election campaign in which voter turnout turns out against shades of wrotten again ent it missus?

No. 4: is a disqualified entry which is "Not on the coupon", no refund will be given and all deposits are forfeit. Passengers found reading this alleged book will be bound over to keep the peace for a period exceeding twenty shillings hardback. For copyright reasons, "Not on the coupon" is nfs in the USA or Canada.

Still at no. 5: "Six on the Beach" by Henrietta Clitorice is a thriller set in Times New Roman and bundled with Chelsea Clinton's 3 vol saga, "My Father", "Your Husband" & "Her Mouth". Recommended as easy reading for panty-hose supporters and accumulators of fake orgasm.

New entry at no. 6: "You Take The Highlands" by Citizen O'Cain. When Malcolm O'Busstop inherits Northern Scotland from his Uncle Ebenezer O'Sidcup, at first he is only dismayed by the odious responsibilities of Laird Provost that ownership of man & beast entails. However a couple of wee drams plus a smile or two from crumbly old Janet O'Craddock warms Malcolm O to his fate. Contains spoilers, traces of nut and artificial sweetners.

Achtung, diss banana iss loaded!

At no. 7 for its twenty-seventh year: "Jeanette Winterbum Is Not The Only Fruit" by vivisection expert, Gaye Wales. This collection of Northern English bush meat recipies is a must for all badge cullers and hunters of Tweety-Pie. Contains instructions for strangling and eating live stoat, hot-potting squirrel, half-baking weasel cake and - everyone's favourite - the ultimate buyer's guide to home made toad with wild pony sausage.

* All titles published by Shikser & Goy except "You Take The Highlands" published by Little Brown Jug.

Sock Puppet's Summer Fiction Wish List

Not Another Beach Book Bitch?

"The Newsmonger's Niece" by Greenham Swallow (Beddly Hadd, 35p)

Swallow This?

Set deep in the bogs of Westminster, Swallow's latest chirp follows corn merchant Deryck Luckless' search for the ideal incestual tryst. A bevvy of impotent back-benchers, a blind Police Commissioner and four generations of Thames boatpeople aside, Luckless' co-creations are all coarse-wittled, folksy folk, modelled in gnarled driftwood and daubed with yellow ocre and burnt umber. The plot, a potted palmtree Airfix would have been proud of, is sinewy, withered, ashen, cracked and shrink-wrapped in woad. The page numbering is (deliberately?) mixed-up and in several places the reader is asked to rip out perforated sheets and deposit them in an eco-friendly bag (provided). Finally one is left with a strong, mawkish feeling of Arglwydd Mawr!


"Packing It In" by Felipe Rope (Little Brown Jug, £19.95)

The Wrath of Rope

From a belated attempt at fixing (sic) crack cocaine to reminiscences of stuffing envelopes with JFK election bumf, Rope's latest novel is all of three hundred words long. Nevertheless, impatient readers should be prepared for some spectacular yawns. Each word has been meticulously cross-checked against a sub-set of Chinese ideograms, Mayan Codices and the Coney Island telephone directory. Rope, whom The New Yorker reports to be reaching the end of his namesake, has recently given several interviews longer than many of his books. However the torn and frayed doppleganger wafting in the wake of this his final publication is effectively a roaring silence.

"The Brother-In-Law of God" by Sallyman Mumbrush (Shiksa & Goy, 30 shillings)

Blasphemy or Blasted Phoney?

As the old efnic saying will have it, "The goodwife's ambulance is her husband's wheelbarrow" this is a tale told by an Iscariot, a three-times denier of holy writ, a Mammoth of Mammom of Moron. The trouble with this kind of faith-based suspension of disbelief is how you are often left with the feeling that barefaced heresy is itself an inverse form of worship. Meanwhile, to preview the plot: a goat goes missing from the family yard leading to a year long fleece-hunt during which the brother-in-law of God - for whom read, Patriarchal Kid - empties the coffers of many good shekles after bad, till bankrupcy do kick him up the turnip plot. I won't reveal exactly how Mumbrush manipulates the old deus ex-machina device into salving the Prod... except to say s/he does so with all the blots and howlers we have come to expect from his/er quill. Not to be read in public lavatories. Beach ban in operation on the Isle of Man.

"Poignard Pick-Me-Up" by Trucksie Lasse (Madman House, Free-On-Demand)

Linda van Rundstedt is still in bed

Loosely based on the sex-romps of pop groupie and songstress Linda van Runstedt, this quasi-autobiography of life on the road during the early 1970s is about as erotic as a museum dedicated to the Victorian chair leg. Having said that, if nifty turnings turn you on, you may well get your rocks off to Trucksie Lasse's latest horn pipe. As lacking in wholesome graphic sex scenes as "Shifty Fades to Grey", it seems doomed to become a classic. Recommended as a flagrant train-read. Also available in OO gauge.

"Funny Bone Cholera" by Millicent Handle (Lunatic Press, £9.95)

Live Dead!

A history novel or a novel history? Tower of force or tour de farce? Simultaneously set in three different locations of the time-space continuum, this book needs to be nibbled at by the reader like a triple decker jam sandwich garnished with raw onion, horseradish and mandrake root. And having shaken the hand that holds it, the novel then emits a dense cloud of purple smoke which engulfs the wings of the deepest armchair. Whence, as if history itself were become history, it then asks us to believe a new strain of cholera bacillus is the reincarnation of a twelfth century coptic monk come to revenge his people on a uncaring god. Ms Handle's antidisestablishmentarianism is renowned. No doubt this latest book will have many tacky prizes renamed in her honour.

Sock it to ya!

Summer Beach Reading

Beach Book Bitch  

New beach novel by Debbie Clinton amanuensis Hilary Harry smashes jewellers' window for Little Brown Jug. “Hanging On The Other Line, Vol 5” peaked at 170 k downloads per hour 5pm Friday.

Book Bitch Blagging

 Beachness abounds at the Writers' Olympics being staged this week here at the London Publishing Fair. Come ye all who would enter the Slag, the Show'em or the Bilge. Entrance is Free. Exit via Advocates' Alley.

Troy Story Eliot

Still no bitch on the errant Bartolimous Stinkfoot Mm, posted by TS Eliot Wednesday. All e.copies of “Lego, It's My Foot - Vol 7!” mysteriously vanished from networks and stations by teatime Thursday. A self-destruct viral implant in the source code seems most likely. Still doesn't explain why the glamorous & bejewelled Ms Eliot should want only the fastest readers of her books to finish the seventh vol of the Lego series. Total sales of 55m reported at the close, amid slight disappointment for investors.

Sandals thrown at group of wannabe Bitch Writers visiting Rick's Bar Friday night. The protest, religious in character, took place in the hour between Sundown and Nightfall. A spokesman for Rick said that the joint would remain open for business throughout the month, but an independent source claimed - as a concession to moderate extremists - there will be no belly-dancing on the floor, and no Roulette or Poker tables in the back room. Phoo-ee for the Secular State!

“Arse”, most downloaded e.novel in history, passes Vol 177 tomorrow. Biggest rival “Twat”, also on its 177th brick, is down two clicks. “Cock” and “Bollocks” still trail the leaders by a long & winding bitch.

No escape from helipad

Zombies Invade Little Brown Jug. A horde of lost souls wafted through the offices of the world's biggest publishing bubble lunchtime Friday. Many carried placards bitching for union rights, others chanted slogans – curiously only receivable on wireless valve sets. No Sea Monsters were reported. Police are investigating the leak.

Jilly Cooper, 7.1% voting stakeholder in Polo Bitch Range, has found a tame stoat living in her Buckinghamshire garden. Also known as weasel, stoat is most famous for imprisoning author Kenneth Grahame in a riverside hollow. The stoat poses no threat to the florid & gap-toothed Ms. Cooper, who is armed and dangerous.

Bitch Ball Novelist Gastard Du Prat has announced his retirement due to alcoholic relapse. At a press conference in Lourdes, France, his agent said he continues to write as Nome Du Plumber and Paris Brothel.

“Push-Bike Bitches” the new series by “Fox-Hunt Bitches” creator, Lucy Takings, is a bold attempt to cash-in on the success of Bradley Wiggin's Tour de France victory. “Push-Bike Bitches” will be released under the E.Nerd imprint, Vols 1 thru 7 appearing Tuesday thru Thursday.

Badmouth.org creator Deter Bitch is being sought by Interpol.com. The Badmouth site, which releases libellous criticism of authors living or dead, inc. accusations of murder, arson and treason, was reported down a few hours Friday. A spokesperson for Deter Bitch said his whereabouts were well encrypted. Badmouth.org is a franchise of The Hoodlum Press.

Finally, in other news; drilling work on the Pfunnel - the Pacific Tunnel - is being held up by squids protesting chronic environmental vibration...

Sock it to 'em