Of
all urban myths, surely Musca domestica is the elephant in the
bog-house? (Pardon my Latin.)
Awarding
this beastie a classical tag, we're buying into the freakshow that it
has a share in our cultural heritage. It bloody hasn't. Any member of
the Cyclorrhapa clan
that wanders into a family home is doomed to die there. It may enjoy
a few hours of feeding, crapping and copping off while good honest
folk are out in the field, but the offspring of such matches have no
expectations whatsoever.
All
types of fly, gnat, bluebottle and mosquito take fair warning: houses
are black holes to be sucked into. There is no return for you, your
children or your children's children.
In
point of fact, houses are the evolutionary windscreen of the
so-called house-fly. With its record of deaths on the road, one might as
well call it Musa vehicula (car-fly); or in reference to its
terrorist sympathies, Musa vigila (SWAT-fly).
Said
to have evolved just before the fall of the dinosaur, the so-called
house-fly first buzzed into the cave dwellings of anabolic reptiles
and single cell rodents. Unmolested by anything without hooves or
tails, it ate crap, laid its eggs in crap and also did a fair bit of
crapping itself. Archaeologists back me up on this will you, having
raked through the spoils of these places, would you please confirm my
apotheosis on the matter?
Thank
you. As, as can be seen, early man's home was plagued with the
creature's ancestor, as shown in a cave painting carbooted back to
-40,000 BMC. That such paintings do not actually depict the hunting
of fly, may be explained away by the taboo of Ahimsa (I am a
vegetarian after all). So though no actual image of a stone age
swatting exists, I can say squashed examples peel from the walls of
excavations like blackened palimpsests.
Turning
our backs, for the present, on the past and ignoring the cries of
future conversationists, swat abolishionists and other zombies of
cant & can't... the outlook is bleak for this unwelcome house
guest. I've retired 37 specimens already this morning and Go-My-Hod
if I hain't done yet. Don't they know it's only four months to
Crimbo? Their days are numbered, so help me! Look, one on screen
right now! Splat! Gotchya! Yeuch!
STOP PRESS.... STOP PRESS.... STOP PRESS.... STOP PRESS....
game
set & match
'twas
rich how Donald's children were Trumped
as
Palmer's lion Cecil was brought down
by
eco-friendly bow & arrow this week
of
course all hunting folk must bow
before
the majesty of Juan Carlos' elephant
shot
dead in a park some years ago
the
pair of which made pride in Palin's
homey
caribou look positively wasted
so
what humdrum safaris are left to us
brandishing
our weapon of choice
the
fly swat takes such low skill & much fuss
that
murder in the kitchen's better done
before
the poor kids are up & dressed
30/7/2015
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