game of stones*

blokes & tackle

hear Philip Lee read
"game of stones"
on YouTube

*

game of stones

thy mouldering shrines removed

By British hands, which it had best behoved

To guard

- Byron, “Childe Harold”, Canto II.

say what you doing in London

Godot at the Criterion

Superman at the Odeon

an actor's life eh all who what

when where how long the feeble plot

to settle in then off you trot

no job for Thespian is carved in stone

on the South Bank one false step & you're gawn

I hear that Kevin Spacey plans

to take over at the National

nothing but a bag of marbles

to him he's got the bloody Gaul

still summer's due the festival

season a fortnight's day release

of shifting scenery for strutting fools

in stand-up tragedies from drama schools

so Tuesday lunchtime still at home

in breaking news the telephone

is hanging off the kitchen wall

the agent of my dreams has called

to offer me a vindaloo

down The Cut behind Waterloo

can't help hoping this is it the Old Vic

Dynamo Kev has dived & broke his neck

I'm hardly joking there of course

would sooner end up on my arse

driving a bus or horse-drawn hearse

than shun some other player's purse

with actors honour it's a farce

they'd do their mums with deadly force

to chant two poxy lines on a chorus

never trust us as dreamboats we're porous

at the café I play it cool

order before asking what's new

talk pork pies through mouthfuls of food

we actors know how to be rude

& feigning hungry's no big do

when all you've had for weeks is gruel

to which the hennaed one leans on elbows

points riveting eyes out of the windows

yes careless when I'm good & fed

I size things up like what's next bed

bit early she's shaking her head

so out we trot to smoke the weed

drink pavement coffees I don't need

& then she shows her hand now read

'fraid I can't offer you the Dominion

but have you played the British Museum

well here's a potty history less

on the subject of temple thieves

than a saga of derring don'ts

it's Lord Elgin's tour with the stones

from swiping them under the eaves

to losing them in a tempest

of Britons that toff was not our finest

strike me who's producing this Rudolph Hess

the play if I may call it so

is a more a series of tableaux

where visitors prepared to queue

will pass along the hall & view

enacted scenes of peace & war

in which Lord Elgin breaks no law

but saves the marble effigies from harm

a loyal view that chokes me with its charm

I say Lord Byron bless his socks

summed up the peer who snatched those rocks

cursing the hour the wastrel Jock

bribed their keepers then swung from block

& tackle rope & ox in yoke

to load a British heart of oak

with half the panoply of ancient Gods

carved by Phidias & his sculptor bods

she turns & looks at me askance

how is it that a proper dunce

like you a poxy mime can trounce

poor Elgin's ghost in tuppence rhymes

don't you go looking up those stones

no reading between given lines

she curses the world & questions the times

you'd think 'twas me had done the dirty crime

aren't you keen to earn some money

two shows a day your evenings off

play the world's greatest gallery

she twists me round her little stiff

after this you'll be on telly

Downton Abbey the sky's your roof

she's got a point there knows her stuff gawd 'strewth

but can't an actor have a conscience Ruth

look Phil she says you fit the bill

tall & thick with a turned up nose

the accent I'm supposing will

be Lowland Scots with half a dose

of Scarlet Pimpernel I'll kill

you if you turn this down & Rose

referring to her cunning friend below

will never ever see again her Joe

oh no not that she's got me there

who else but Ruth would brave my lair

who else admire this thinning hair

but think of Stravros what of Saph

oh would my Elgin make them laugh

or would they deem it simply naff

that I should play a character so far

removed from all the boy's ever stood for

Ruth takes another swipe at me

probing my face with fiery eyes

I turn away in fear she'll see

the brittle bones my cheeks disguise

I'd turn to stone as soon as be

the villain of her enterprise

& since she's staring at these knocking knees

I do affect a kind of wobbly freeze

& then a smile breaks up her mouth

the fair Medusa's wicked pout

she's had a second thought no doubt

I wait a moment catch my breath

you never know with Ruth it's life

or death she'll choose like old Queen Beth

to have your head brought in on a platter

or guide your teeth to the royal garter

dead right she says those Greeks deserve

some bod to speak on their behalf

you mentioned Byron now a perv

like him should make it half'n'half

I'll call the writer who's a lurve

the number's tattooed on my calf

just be a darling & pass the Prada

an old pal of yours he went to RADA¹

so this one's for Stavros & Saph

oh in hopes they get the end laugh

I'm playing Lord Byron at last

& chasing a girl in the cast

if our producer's told the truth

or the good fairy's found my tooth

in a year we'll have transferred to Athens

toodle-pip till I tell you what happens

1. the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in London, England

Lord Elgin's Tour with The Stones

*Ekphrastik note: Although not strictly an ekphrastik piece, the structure of "game of stones" with its 17 verses of 8 lines each represents the 17x8 columns of the Parthenon in Athens, from which Lord Elgin took the stones.

Heavy!