1915 a scandal in Lusitania

I

exploding butter balls cried Sherlock Holmes

shaking out his gamp i'the vestibule

weather's filthy & thunder's hardly ceased

this seven days yet mingled with the sad

retort of guns from France there never raged

such dirty work abroad as here in port

good gracious man said I where have you been

to summon up that storm of metaphors

from supping with young Winston in The Strand

a Pinkerton to hand then all night long

perusing naval documents for proof

our famous commodore of Cunard line

deliberately sailed the Lusitania

across the sights of a German submarine

my flatmate’s beaten brows belied the truth

had stirred him more than Churchill's Sea-Lord wrath

good Captain Turner's no less loyal than

you I or any man of Blenheim mould

while butter has not melted in his mouth

it plain exploded i'the liner's hold

II

I should insert a portrait of the ship

now shallow bosomed on the ocean bed

conceived as microcosm of the Raj

her classes watering in strict compart

meant all aboard were sealed their letters marqued

for booty by the German High Command

though few who joined the liner at New York

believed the word she carried contraband

would make them fodder for the U-boats' jaws

still less would claim the Hun then justified

to sink our merchant navy's joy & pride

since Belgian massacres were of a kind

the question eating at the public's mind

not just what beasts they were to break such laws

but how so many passengers had died

when Sherlock Holmes was urged to take the case

I cried 'twas scarcely worth the candle wax

to answer queries scurrilously asked

since days when legions at a Caesar's word

would raze a city-state by torch & sword

had hunting leopards traded in their spots

to covet fleeces of escaping goats

but Churchill called in war and vainly Holmes

like Lusitania was easily lured

III

his pipe relit and legs stretched forth the sleuth

reprised the charges laid on Turner's head

commissioned commodore this mariner

is majesty's & merchant's man at once

serves Mammon & the Admiralty both

though neither master wears the cap aboard

supreme at sea our captain struts the bridge

his judgement overrules such orders as

endanger ship & cargo all who sail

make up his charge plus he must save the souls

of friend or foe imperilled by the waves

three times has Thomas Turner won awards

for daring rescues made in heaving storms

there's scarce a blemish on this common man

not fussed to grace a Captain's table though

as far as bravery and science go

the fellow's number one amongst his clan

I couldn't help from quipping at such praise

they like a skip who goes down with his ship

yet Holmes was ready for that heckler's jibe

they hate his guts because he dared survive

IV

the fire glowed the tea was served we felt

secure in London town removed from storms

in France where shrapnel fell like rain on men

who ducked and died a thousand times each day

refreshed my friend resumed his peroration

what Winston told the chap from Pinkerton's

is not for me to say Americans

trust neither French nor Hun and Englishmen

they know too well tell fibs when it suits 'em

in Churchill's view the news is proof enough

to disobey commands jump overboard

with secret documents and save himself

the skipper breached his oath and shares the guilt

of those who launched torpedoes at the ship

court martial him he raged just find what grounds

you can old England's standing needs a quick

response pour encourager les autres

the sea lord quoth in schoolboy accent French

V

now Holmes is seldom one to dramatise

that's your department Watson he declares

the facts the facts and just the facts are all

we need to prosecute a criminal

but then he dropped his voice to whisper words

no living soul shall ever hear bar mine

this story mustn't go beyond these walls

a hundred years from now perhaps won't do

to hide the shame of Admiralty crime

I pledged to seal the truth from public gaze

post dating publication ten decades

so on he went his eyes with morphia glazed

the records show but one torpedo struck

yet two explosions tore the hull apart

in less than twenty minutes sank the ship

so loss of life was due to speed and list

as insufficient lifeboats could be launched

still phased I failed to see what Holmes had found

a-new and trotted out the party line

the U-Boat hit her coal a lucky shot

not so the nearest bunkers lay to aft

midships of where the sole torpedo struck

yet still I couldn't twig how it was rigged

so then what caused the death blow of the ship

some ninety tons of butter margarine

and lard in unrefrigerated store

VI

his monogram upon tobacco ash

so often quoted in the monthly press

shows Holmes has played the alchemist from time

to time indeed i'the days of his youth

he studied under Faraday no less

but this idea that lactic acid turned

by force of sudden heat to acetone

which more inflammable than household gas

ignited by the same torpedo blast

at best struck me as crazed at worst as crass

oh Watson must you play the clever ass

cried Holmes what use is rancid butter eh

indeed and ninety tons of it you say

without so much as chilled for seven days

at sea what's more then bound for the Navy's

Experimental Weapons factory

search me I scratched my head complacently

while Holmes blew rings of smoke a-hemmed then droned

all cargoes bound for ordnance facilities

are coded butter dripping and margarine

for marge read cordite lard is TNT

while butter stands for nitroglycerin

VII

oh no great Scott I groaned this cannot be

the Lusitania carried contraband

which Cruiser Rules specifically banned

impossible for British hearts to know

so royally played the Navy with the lives

of children nannies concubines & wives

and not forgetting sailors' widows their

faces twitching lace in basement windows

have we not had enough of broken homes

now we've sunk as rank and low as Kaiser

Bill a-smiling under his linden tree

outwitted in port and outcast at sea

accusing Captain Turner of treason

while he no doubt is sworn to secrecy

the scandal's as deep as any ocean

so Holmes and I now partners to the crime

the seven percent solution of which

is take each other arm in arm and shoot

ourselves into the next millennium

©Philip Lee 2015

Never Sink!