Kipling Esq

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Kipling Esq

or Mr Half-Bake

by Philip Lee

kitchen air

never have been coconut shy

once tossed my head through a window

in games of war the first to die

I'm face to face with the pillow

if my country had need of me

mister I'd run a ruddy yard

Kipling be my witness let's see

fiction as fact the lad's boiled hard

here's to baling the fakirs out

up the Khyber without a chute

the band are shitless on milk stout

to feel good doctors should be moot

so tally-ho the blues all shout

tremble kneed on a Turkey shoot

here they go again

these modern British travellers

are not a patch on Phineas Fogg

one stray missile &

they forget to smile

take that Mr and Mrs Hogg

if Fogg refused to be stirred

but had his gin & ice shaken

this sun-struck pair

when asked to repair

home early from Sharm El Sheik

kicked up such palaver

the Hoggs' compensation

began with their

licence to swear

before all the children

they humiliated that poor

girl from the embassy who

was just being

a human being

politely asking them to hold

the line between drama queens

& British stand up comedians

ah mean

obscene

the manor of their carry on

how's your father ffs anyone

would think it were Tunisia

all over

again or

a worse state than Lusitania

so please show a trifle

less Shoeburyness your

highnesses

& grace us

with the old stiff upper

save Fred's jets

wave the t-shirt wear the flag

menthol cigarettes

spoil the party be a drag

heaven save Fred's jets

stick no end of GI bills

in suicide vests

privatise the love that kills

if it saves Fred's jets

hit on youths in tartan skirts

get away with it

take the Bruce out of Wayne's world

to save our Fred's jets

the straight & narrow's never

had it so arm pets

with Playtex^® catapults burn

Rome & save Fred's jets

for godsake nothing's sacred

holy cow piglets

get the bastards running scared

only save Fred's jets

no spiders for Ms Muffet

I see the sun is rising

tomorrow at five

aside from wishful thinking

the new moon is fine

what will you do now it's Spring

ransack the archives

put in your quest to be king

wait till June arrives

she's always gone with the plan

lurks behind yr fridge

I see her as Desperate Dan

on a bartered bridge

would have been a battered bride

the oldies know best

their wills aren't swollen with pride

get a woolly vest

yes the sun also rises

it says here in words

there's no need for a crisis

weigh in with the Kurds

Fuzzy-Wuzzy logic

after brimstone rains

across the lands a desolate

stench of righteousness remains

smells just like the argument

for breaking in the squares

& less of a poem than

a rant

tell that

to the friendly

victims of fire

dug in for victory

on the wrong side again

Exceed!