doings on the line

	(phone rings, three times)
Receiver:	Hello!
Caller:	Ah, hello there. Is this the prime minister of Jamaica?
Receiver:	Erm... I'm sorry, could you say that again?
Caller:	Yeah, I said, “Is this the prime minister of Jamaica?”
Receiver:	No, I'm afraid not.
Caller:	Are you sure about that?
Receiver:	Yes, of course I'm sure. There's no one of that name at this address.
Caller:	Just a minute, then. I wonder if I could try and name who I'm speaking to?
Receiver:	You want to guess who I am? This some kind of nuisance call, right?
Caller:	As far as I know it's a genuine enquiry. I'll just confirm that. Yep. 100% bone fide. So, here's the first question. You're not gay, by any chance, are you?
Receiver:	Gay?
Caller:	That's what I said. Are you gay?
Receiver:	What kind of a question is that?
Caller:	A perfectly ordinary, everyday question. Is you surname Gaye?
Receiver:	No, it isn't.
Caller:	You aren't Marvin Gaye?
Receiver:	No, certainly not. Not Marvin Gaye, anyway. Look, let's just say you've got a wrong number here.
Caller:	Well, that's debatable. Please let me work out who you are.
Receiver:	Sorry, I don't have time for this.
Caller:	So, you're quite a busy person, and while gay hasn't been ruled completely out, you're definitely not Marvin.
Receiver:	And I've got ten million better things I'd rather be doing.
Caller:	Lucky you! Look, just be a sport and let me have one of two more stabs at you. Are you in the book?
Receiver:	We're not ex-directory, if that's what you mean.
Caller:	And you don't live alone. Still using a land line. Got an R.P. accent with a hint of, what's that, I'd say... West Country?
Receiver:	You're totally out there.
Caller:	Er... well, not totally. There's no hint of the North or Midlands in your voice, is there?
Receiver:	That still doesn't put me anywhere in the West. Is this some kind of Twenty Questions game? What prize do I get if you fail to name me?
Caller:	You are game.
Receiver:	Huh! There's a hint of ambiguity to every little thing you say.
Caller:	So you're up for it?
Receiver:	Been nice talking to you. I really have got to go.
Caller:	You're not even related to the prime minister of Jamaica?
Receiver:	No. Can you hear any trace of West Indian in my voice?
Caller:	That's true. But when I said West, I didn't mean straying that far into the sunset. So, we're narrowing it down rather nicely.
Receiver:	Tell me, do you often make this kind of speculative call?
Caller:	That's an interesting way of putting it! But, aren't I the one who's supposed to be asking the questions?
Receiver:	Only because you appointed yourself to the role. In fact, this conversation has gone on so long I think it's only fair for me to ask you to identify yourself.
Caller:	Ah, so now you want to know who I am?
Receiver:	In a nutshell, yes. I think I've earned that right.
Caller:	I'd have thought it was quite obvious. Would you like to take a guess?
Receiver:	Oh em gee!
Caller:	OMG? Is that the best you can do? Omar... McArthur... Godley?
Receiver:	Crikey, are you guessing your own name on my behalf?
Caller:	Far be it from me to put words into your mouth, Squire.
Receiver:	Look, it's been kinda fun chatting to you, but I really do have to hang up now.
Caller:	Suit yourself. The choice is entirely yours. It's no skin off my nose.
Receiver:	Ha! You even manage to make me feel guilty. I'm the one who's spent the past five minutes humouring you, and yet you're coming out of it as the injured party.
Caller:	No, no, no, no, please feel free to carry on with the rest of your life. You'll soon forget all about this. I'll vanish. No questions asked. [Puff!] Gone.
Receiver:	You're that one off the telly, aren't you?
Caller:	Which one?
Receiver:	You know, the game show merchant. The one who does all the voices, but is also a half-way genuine person.
Caller:	Now, I really am puzzled.
Receiver:	OK, maybe I got that wrong. I wouldn't know the name, anyway. I don't actually watch the show. Caught a few minutes of it once is all. Can you do impressions?
Caller:	You want me to do one right now?
Receiver:	If it's not putting you on the spot.
Caller:	No bother! Here goes... “Dominus Vobiscum.”
Receiver:	Really? Who was that supposed to be?
Caller:	Not for me to say. Anyway, it was just an impression.
Receiver:	You sort-of sang some words in Latin using your more-or-less normal voice. That wasn't an impression. It certainly wasn't impressive.
Caller:	Sor-ree. D'you want me to do another one?
Receiver:	Not if it was as bad as that!
Caller:	I think you think I'm some kind of entertainer.
Receiver:	Hmm. I think you're somebody who calls people up at random and has rambling conversations with them. You're probably working for the phone company or something.
Caller:	I've got it! You're one of those conspiracy theorists. Right? Plus you're a bit paranoid that people like me are out to get you. You're probably wondering now if someone isn't stealing your precious goods while your attention is being diverted. Am I right? At least the thought has crossed your mind during this conversation?
Receiver:	Naturally, like most folk, I tend to be cautious when talking to strange people. Do you still want to speak to the president of Jamaica?
Caller:	The prime minister.
Receiver:	Whichever. I wouldn't even know who that is. What's the purpose of your call?
Caller:	It's a personal matter.
Receiver:	Well, I'm sorry I can't help you. He... she - whoever they are - isn't here.
Caller:	That's a shame.
Receiver:	Anything else I can do for you?
Caller:	Yeah, is Bill there?
Receiver:	She's in the kitchen. In fact, she's probably listening in on the extension. Bill! It's doings on the line for you!