Up the Garden Path

with Porky & Klone

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Wolfgang Aloysius Pfaertkettle

Craven T Forespoke

Beatrix Noseboff

Aard Vrnaard

Snorky the Poodge

Clinton S Cardswipe

W W Wishcake

 

Bidding starts at a hundred Bitcoin each. Winners get Authorised Certificate of Ownership plus 10% of proceeds goes to the Board of Piss Off.

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bard of piss talks

 

elevating Sir

Jeffrey Epstein Lord

posthumous award

ain’t it absurd

 

shucks the geezer had

royal houses licked

servants Maxwell picked

cut him a tad

 

heaven knows the sex

crimes they faced but died

long before the lies

surfaced on X

 

evidence of guilt

barely graced their lips

on dictatorships

empires were built

 

excavate their bones

relics to revere

bung the guy a peer

age of the clones

 

 

 

these lies are true II

 

nineteen thirty-eight

history books shall prove

Hitler was removed

dude sealed his fate

 

when the world was faced

nineteen sixty-nine

with a heinous crime

being well placed

 

saved the Rolling Stones

as they came on stage

from a shooter’s rage

sent on the drones

 

in the year of dick

taser Epstein’s tricks

nineteen ninety-six

dude had him sicked

 

best of all same guy

in that fateful year

took one in the eye ear

truth just won’t die

 

 

 

merry-go-round

 

if we’re honest love is false

having people live on lies

loitering as passion dies

stuck on a waltz

 

have the author drill a new

book of what to say & do

who to ditch or tootle to

hang on a clue

 

time they asked was it a whore

feeding off an empty drive

keeping villagers alive

knocking on doors

 

screw the romance out of sex

the transactional kiss good

riddance to its shall & should

wait for the next

 

bus but maybe save on fares

senior citizens unfazed

catalogued by fantasies

musing on chairs

 

*

 

love is one long song

clever words & tune

worming through the moon

light on a pond

 

trip in a balloon

safety harness on

smooth as silicon

no parachute

 

broken biscuit tin

full of Christmas pud

extra helping should

do your head in

 

love is better glued

on the sides of trucks

advertising hook’s

babes in the mood

 

buried down the park

underneath a tree

aid to memory

light in the dark

 

*

 

hell it’s no

just a mo

in your ear

dear

 

sell by date

hand of fate

time we spilt

milk

 

sound of words

sense absurd

fond of cheese

Jeez

 

tie the knot

get the lot

on a plate

Kate

 

come & go

straight or queer

seeing here

blow

 

 

 

U-Crane

 

Congress Gaza Venezuela God

who they gonna skyjack next them black

holes Iran Afganistan Iraq

building a squad

 

call them greatest architect of all

Newton Heisenberg & Einstein cloned

Marie Curie Stopes on speakerphone

Pink Floyd on Wall

 

Street they’ll say it one more time or ten

shoot the Milky Way belongs to us

Proxima Centauri’s claim is pus

who’s got the men

 

Adolf Joe or Genghis Julius

Satan none of which American

only bloke round here to get things done

hoots on the bus

 

deconstruction plant for sale or lease

get in while they’re hot now place your bets

human race or self drive 3D chess

lifting for peace

 

 

 

untitled draft

don't worry they’s nothing but Americanisms

 

& them a stand-out politician whose improv routines popular for their wooden repetitiveness spends hours at the mirror literally hurling brown tuppences at their audience in the manner of a padishah disbursing golden coin & therefore do we offer this irreverent verse

 

passions torment then

torrent back as joys

smoking with the boys

do it again

 

infantile regrets

get a vengeful twist

lance them like a cyst

guard dogs for pets

 

bugger me I shan’t

let these feelings go

someone ought to know

don’t say you can’t

 

tell a tout from Top

Cat in jury doubt

who am I to out

think like a cop

 

chocolate money fake

scrip the name of peace

wonders sure will cease

grift on a take

 

 

 

fragment

 

what you see & who you get

ain’t the same as how you bet

you can tell them by their eyes

piles in the skies

 

 

 

nature reverse

 

herds of tame wildebeest graze the virgin plains of New Antarctica

a commited schizophrenic versus a pair of conjoined arm wrestlers for president

penguins in plastic suits cross the frozen crusts of gas giant moons

glib vegans beat anthropomorphic vegetarians senseless with selfie sticks

an albino hippopotamus appears in the room of an elephant with diarrhea

refugees from Mars sign on as unemployed former astronauts

underground golf clubs nudist camps & sewage farms held on alternate Sundays in March

but if the children of the workers are still bored call Henry Ford

these & other lines are all you get after Don & Eldon’s delinquent comedy set

 

 

 

hometown myth

 

pardon me there

have to observe

temporary

reasons to swear

 

all of us here

lovely my dear

don’t even care

everything’s queer

 

numbers of folk

working like dope

just to survive

see how it poke

 

flexible lies

dormant the files

back of their smiles

share your unease

 

here’s what to hope

four to one cope

odds on we’ll mope

given the mop

 

 

 

dim view

 

Venus Earth & Mars are no

three-ringed circus act although

orbiting or what they go

on with the show

 

outer planets take the view

all their fuss is mainly due

to an over heated blue

shift in the glue

 

put another way they don’t

give a monkey’s cos it won’t

make no difference simply note

some rocks will float

 

as for Pluto who knows how

such a lump can take their bow

planetoids just ain’t allowed

audience cowed

 

stupid solar system bored

asteroids may not afford

ticket prices having soared

comets outlawed

 

 

 

honest

 

isn't America great

making work for blokes like me

dumb-arsed circus runaways

fish in the sea

 

jokes aside you know my name

silver dollar all my own

Bumph’s the one you’re betting on

talking the game

 

folks it’s what the market wants

wearing out your daddy’s pants

what’s inside them hornets ants

taking no chance

 

lo-down ho-down Würlitzer

seven rides a penny Ma’am

get your curlies straightener

it’s an exam

 

contrast me with anyone

officer I’m willing take

down my every word I make

no more’n I fake

 

 

 

Police Canteen S4E17

 

cos there’s been a poisoning

quarantine the force

call Inspector Horsemeat in

 

tho the gossip’s getting worse

larks have gotta sing

time to blow the coffee curse

 

liver bacon sausage rolls

suspect frying bread

beans on toast with garden gnomes

 

fishing at the river’s end

flounders in the zone

dealing with the plateful dead

 

let the owl informants in

now on Nitflox One

indigestibles begin

Not Real Woods Again!