Sock Puppet Interviews Sir James Savile
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| The Savvy Jeweller Speaks |
The
Sock Puppet: Welcome to the programme!
Sir
Jammy Swiveller: Now then, now then, now then!
TSP:
Everyone was gobsmacked last year to hear of your death.
SJS:
So was I! It's all lies, don't believe a word of it! It's a
distortion, a fabrication, a complete exaggeration. A dirty rotten
abortion of the truth, in point of fact.
TSP:
So you're not actually dead at all?
SJS:
Not even a bit of me! Far from it, in point of fact, fit as a
fiddler's ferret is me, diddley-dee.
TSP:
Okay, okay, can we talk about the records you've put on?
SJS:
Putting on records - what a game, eh? What else can I say, in
point of fact?
TSP:
Your first was back in 1959, wasn't it?
Sir
Jolly Swindler: “A herd of African Elephants
Stampeded over a Cliff”? Marvellous sounds! Poetry in
commotion.
TSP:
Who was to blame for it?
SJS:
It was an accident, pure and simple. A freak of nature. Does that
satisfy you? Yes?
TSP:
And your second hit?
SJS:
Ah, “Sounds of a Gun Singer”? Did you dig that
one, in point of fact?
TSP:
Yes, we... dug... it. There's an urban myth that says the sounds
used were from the gun that assassinated president Kennedy. How much
truth is there in that?
SJS:
Never reveal your sources, lad! With me, what you see is what you get.
TSP:
But isn't it true that you were a close friend of Gary Oldman, the
man who did the shooting?
SJS:
Never proved in any court of law!
TSP:
What about your last big number, “Whale Farts off the
Coast of Glamorgan”?
SJS:
Who's been saying that?
TSP:
Some critics have called it a major contribution to global
warming.
SJS: Well they would, wouldn't they? Jealous of the knighthood, in
point of fact. Do you know, the record raised over fifty million
pounds for the Prince's Truss?
TSP:
And other campaigners have claimed that some whales were snubbed
during the recording.
SJS:
Well, you know, I only play these discs, I don't make 'em. Next
question.
TSP:
Was child labour used?
SJS:
Do you mean, how many underage girls did I interfere with during
my whole career?
TSP:
In round figures.
SJS:
I refuse to answer.
TSP:
On what grounds?
Sir
Justice Salamander: I claim homosexual immunity. That's a
joke, by the way, in point of fact.
TSP:
Ah, so you DO admit that you lied under oath?
SJS:
No further questions!
TSP:
But surely you would like to defend your record on Juke Box Jury?
SJS:
Look, I've got His Royal Harness bringing the grandsons round to
the camper van. There's a baby hippo in the oven. You'll have to put
the rest in writing.
TSP:
Don't worry, we will. You can read it all on “downwritefiction”.
SJS: More bloody lies! Wipe your feet on the way out!
TSP: By the way, the cheque's in the post.
SJS: I thank you. And next time, send a limousine, anyway! Now, where's me tongs?
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