return of the Jed

 

return of the Jed

he chain-smoked Camel cigarettes

and hammered nails in planks      - John Prine

never underestimate the right

shame those rebels had to fight but shucks

Lincoln won the war his battle cry

everyone sucks

pebbles when there’s nothing left to eat

better tasting than the bite of dust

grass is blue not green but fades to gray

everyone says

Scarlet had an awful pretty mouth

Mason Dixon never drew such lines

one thing they agreed on North & South

everyone lies

mould’ring in the grave eventually

makes you think what all the fuss is for

dueling mojos in uncivil war

everyone freeze

singing death’s a tricky learning curve

steers the living thru a stormy night

there to find their inner Jed & serve

everyone right

Sicilian attack

'nother question H

not how fair your baby’s but

if she’s fit to serve

bowling broke the mould

one more game like that the crown's

bust a royal flush

Hollywood’s your best

bet at Gotham cricket club

exiles roll the roast

Sunday headlines just

grab them like an Osbourne bites

chickens by the head

raise your standards St

Lawrence side then cross the pond

land in Donegal

march from Holyhead

hordes will join your colours straight

down Watling Street

should there be a bun

fight this end of Ponders End

call the Irish Scots

let the Windsors flee

France will take them on the mace

lose it in the Wash

Privy Councillors

grant the best apprenticeships

Alan Sugar style

call in Trump he’s got

time before the Jed has quit

loves to pimp & pomp

over there or here

everywhere you got it made

Oprah's song of praise

just one minor point

giving Rolf his extra leg

back that would be crass

glorious twelfth grouse

pipers worse for pints

drummers on their seventh shot

marching out of step

sure they’re not a patch

if all Ireland had to match

McNamara’s band

but the music fits

even drunken Oiks about

get away with it

Archilochus crowed

hoarse & coarse above the flutes

yet his din was sound

like a pound of gold

so these men in motley suits

do their neighbours proud

’prentice boys & free

masons Presbyterians

gents in bowler hats

Londonderry lads

token lassies but no kilts

Scottish Irish pure

British to the core

bulldog drumming as to war

whistling youths on stilts

he back

trailing bankrupt congressmen here comes

your abstaining president the cast

former wrestling champions make-up girls

fixers in tights

Dixie Nix from Alimony’s up

Pierce Dears of the jet ski cops

all the cast & crew of Raths & Prince

Andrew for laughs

not to mention Pandemonium

Lil who rumour says removed his heart

swopped it for some rocks she smoked him hard

Candy the Cook

tho his operation’s kinda slim

in the Intromission songs were cut

like an Irish wake without the drink

nothing gets lost

don’t believe this pension crap he’s fit

has a round of golf for breakfast grits

ham with brownies maple sauce & blues

no Quaaludes

Jed was back in diapers by his age

strong as possum cooked in Granny’s boots

striking gold left right & centre fold

long as a shlong

well I guess that’s it for now but hills

bills next time you folks be passing thru

mind you wear clean petticoats & call

in on us now

#dontpardonme!