Pardon my French

Double or quits, Baroness?

I

fairytale ending

if Cock Robin's murderers had been

caught on CCTV flying in

all the king's birds would straight have fallen

green bottle men

nature's laws set out in nursery rhymes

concrete columns sprouting through the trees

these are the good things & those the crimes

but human beings

cast as pirates of the Caribbean

sneaking past a pilot episode

series two has gotta be their goal

bury them bones

cargoed by the diplomatic load

or the Netflix plot to rival all

Carry On dissolved in acid then

poured down a man

hole & who knows what's the truth old bean

witchcraft superheroes hands of gods

fiction trumps the facts with notes in wads

battles unseen

II

wildlife obituary

Sidney Centipede the greatest thing

ever walked on fifty pairs of legs

died today aged a hundred & ten

days thirteen hours twenty-two mins

life for Sid was vicious crap & not

nice the privvy spawned his awesome rise

treading down the dreams of lesser beasts

where the dung was rich & fragrant piled

high with yellow leaves & rotting fruit

Sid had made it just in time to meet

Brenda Blackbird passing on her way

back from harvest for winter was nigh

get it while it's hot she chortled one

juicy bug to sweeten all that grain

how delicious then burped & flew off

III

stalking horns

modernism raise your upstart glass

as the scherzo of Beethoven’s third

symphony gets horny live on air

for the first time

sure enough a lot of lies damned lies

plus statistics are spouted but don't

take 'em snorting like a dose of salts

broadcasting’s fine

libatious wine indubitably

kills the bugs immunity has missed

radio's long enthused those on &

off the wagon

but in case you haven’t heard it’s fun

getting raucous last night of The Proms

something sober folk are missing out

on’s the sublime

treachery some teetotallers make

as abusers they may play with us

but as posers their use is abuse

for old lang's sake

IV

avoir du poids

cos the kilo's finally to go

Bonaparte will wet his Paris vaults

revolutionary thoughts aside

all this fuss about a ball inside

goldfish bowls & mimicked to a fault

leave its density alone for no

matter if an orb be perfect why

wasn't Greenwich chosen eh the salts

used to polish it whatever show

accuracy's limits ebb & flow

rocket science isn't gonna halt

entropy a universe defines

when its time has come to shrink or grow

eggheads leave the kilo be the alt

give up playing god change minds instead

V

rien ne vas plus

gotta see the goodness evil does

jobs for one & money don't forget

power such a dangerous world gee-whiz

who are we to question why they dis

human rights when half these countries let

terrorist & gangsters run their fuzz

lazy fare is what I say take Miss

World it's open season cannot vet

chicks by national politics the buzz

words are tits & benefits because

looks alone don't make a Penthouse Pet

hell I know it's murder but that's biz

feel their purses not their pussies is

all Cashoggie had it jammy was

what I heard just made a lousy bet

Archie Locost attrib

The 1803

Beethoven’s Great Eastern Symphony

Wreck of the 1803 ($10 Aquarium Version)

Constructed at Tranmere from 47,000 tons of wrought iron, 11 million brass rivets, 70 miles of piano wire and A-flat tyre, this sea symphony held the longest spot in the charts from November 1803 until June the following year, when it was sunk by Admiral Horatio Balmpott in mistake for a French East Indiaman.

A snidey short cut from late classical into the mid-Atlantic, “The 1803” (as it’s derisively called by muzakologists) received its first performance at the battle of Rushworth & Drapers, 1807, when a squadron of Pomeranian Hornblowers were chased into a Masurian pond by Polish flautists of the Grande Armée Concert Party. Its tragic opening theme is repeated ad nausoleum on oboe and flageolet, tin tray & castanet. Then a counter melody of shaken coins and raspberry glissandoes intrudes; after a short fudge, the mood lightens into a pathetic bazurka. Movements two, three and four follow in much the same fashion, with various changes of tempo, flavour and venue.

Dave's "Napoleon With Trout" (fishscale on canvas)

Public performances of the symphony were banned by Napoleon Bonaparte, who never forgave Ludwig for letting him down on the sandy lake shores of Pomerania, but who nevertheless called for the tune to be hummed at his deathbed. Ludwig Van received only 17 Austrian Krones for the work and later repudiated it as the product of a marinated biologist. CD available on His Monster’s Voice, LVB/Op/28.3.

In other news, the mummified penis of Beethoven’s cat, Donald, has been auctioned by Sodaboff’s, where it fetched three bob and an orange. Meanwhile, in San Diego, Beethoven’s orchestral version of the Trout Mask Replica has been unveiled as a fake. And back on The Wirral, Ludwig Van himself is to open the New Palace Motors Used Cars You Can Trust on Bromborough High Road. As a man in the street said, “I’ve had three cars. Each car has been a good car. What more can you ask?”

Wirral Washout

In weather. Port Sunlight, tomorrow, the outdoor performance of Beethoven’s 6.2 Symphony “The Postural” is to be washed down with a little light Schubert and several strong breezers.