monster assortment

i) monsters

ii) the coke rat

iii) the hep cat

iv) the moon sea king mole

v) the landed eel

vi) pigmy elephant

& mammoth mouse

vii) the elf of Delf

viii) the duke horse merchant

ix) the cagey bee

x) sharkeater

xi) deepfrog

xii) electric bats in Hoylake

& West Kirby

monster assortment

i

there are creatures

caught in the net

you glimpse their faces

shadows flickering

like trompe d'oeil

working scheming & set

against our life style

monsters surround us

ii

the coke rat

being marsupial

as soon as it's born

crawls up a fella's nose

safely inside

stays 5-10 years

collecting 60s porn

& celebrity panty-hose

iii

the hep cat

walks upright

wears Wellingtons

made of Indian rubber

moonlights in

fish restaurants

sans Michelin stars

dines on cordon blubber

iv

the moon seek king mole

puts shades on at night

takes pictures of holes

kinda looks outta sight

who knows where he goes

nosing high talking low

does he soak in the flow

or blow dry with the fly

v

the landed eel

or windsurf snake

with its Timex Oyster

is a nose-balancing fake

but don't ask for the time

as it winds up yr drive

just behave & smile

for Madam's sake

vi

the pigmy elephant dive

bombs airfields drives

daft tanks & murders

the beats of beasts

but the mammoth mouse

overturns its worst

shedding catloads

of worser verse

vii

the elf

of Delf

has got

himself

so starry

blathered

he's tar &

feathered

viii

the duke horse merchant is

as always on the loose

& trailing screws

accrued fantasy blows

he from his bellows

hoof art's genius

ix

the cagey bee lands

on a prickled lobe

of its cackled ass

& oh how ridiculous

his galosh knee cough

spews honey & lemon

while a gypsy mouth

licks it off in heaven

x

a predator's predator

swept through rivers

scooping up fresh water

sharks with its jaw-jaws

bring back the spindoctorsaurus

& her deep sea cousin who

so far has eluded all our

attempts at their reincarnation

xi

in the words of deepfrog

frack in hell mate

you playing at Bogart again

few are might ah suggest

reeling in the years a bit

on account of yr elf

an cut in dan on a fags

xii

electric bats in Hoylake & West Kirkby

first period PE followed by geography

then French & the long queue for lunch

for do

unto others as you would have them do unto you

regard this empty box its purpose unclear

though oddly shaped for what it contains

there is no question certain types of bat don't

spend their days hanging upside down in caves

1915 a scandal in Lusitania

I

exploding butter balls cried Sherlock Holmes

shaking out his gamp i'the vestibule

weather's filthy & thunder's hardly ceased

this seven days yet mingled with the sad

retort of guns from France there never raged

such dirty work abroad as here in port

good gracious man said I where have you been

to summon up that storm of metaphors

from supping with young Winston in The Strand

a Pinkerton to hand then all night long

perusing naval documents for proof

our famous commodore of Cunard line

deliberately sailed the Lusitania

across the sights of a German submarine

my flatmate’s beaten brows belied the truth

had stirred him more than Churchill's Sea-Lord wrath

good Captain Turner's no less loyal than

you I or any man of Blenheim mould

while butter has not melted in his mouth

it plain exploded i'the liner's hold

II

I should insert a portrait of the ship

now shallow bosomed on the ocean bed

conceived as microcosm of the Raj

her classes watering in strict compart

meant all aboard were sealed their letters marqued

for booty by the German High Command

though few who joined the liner at New York

believed the word she carried contraband

would make them fodder for the U-boats' jaws

still less would claim the Hun then justified

to sink our merchant navy's joy & pride

since Belgian massacres were of a kind

the question eating at the public's mind

not just what beasts they were to break such laws

but how so many passengers had died

when Sherlock Holmes was urged to take the case

I cried 'twas scarcely worth the candle wax

to answer queries scurrilously asked

since days when legions at a Caesar's word

would raze a city-state by torch & sword

had hunting leopards traded in their spots

to covet fleeces of escaping goats

but Churchill called in war and vainly Holmes

like Lusitania was easily lured

III

his pipe relit and legs stretched forth the sleuth

reprised the charges laid on Turner's head

commissioned commodore this mariner

is majesty's & merchant's man at once

serves Mammon & the Admiralty both

though neither master wears the cap aboard

supreme at sea our captain struts the bridge

his judgement overrules such orders as

endanger ship & cargo all who sail

make up his charge plus he must save the souls

of friend or foe imperilled by the waves

three times has Thomas Turner won awards

for daring rescues made in heaving storms

there's scarce a blemish on this common man

not fussed to grace a Captain's table though

as far as bravery and science go

the fellow's number one amongst his clan

I couldn't help from quipping at such praise

they like a skip who goes down with his ship

yet Holmes was ready for that heckler's jibe

they hate his guts because he dared survive

IV

the fire glowed the tea was served we felt

secure in London town removed from storms

in France where shrapnel fell like rain on men

who ducked and died a thousand times each day

refreshed my friend resumed his peroration

what Winston told the chap from Pinkerton's

is not for me to say Americans

trust neither French nor Hun and Englishmen

they know too well tell fibs when it suits 'em

in Churchill's view the news is proof enough

to disobey commands jump overboard

with secret documents and save himself

the skipper breached his oath and shares the guilt

of those who launched torpedoes at the ship

court martial him he raged just find what grounds

you can old England's standing needs a quick

response pour encourager les autres

the sea lord quoth in schoolboy accent French

V

now Holmes is seldom one to dramatise

that's your department Watson he declares

the facts the facts and just the facts are all

we need to prosecute a criminal

but then he dropped his voice to whisper words

no living soul shall ever hear bar mine

this story mustn't go beyond these walls

a hundred years from now perhaps won't do

to hide the shame of Admiralty crime

I pledged to seal the truth from public gaze

post dating publication ten decades

so on he went his eyes with morphia glazed

the records show but one torpedo struck

yet two explosions tore the hull apart

in less than twenty minutes sank the ship

so loss of life was due to speed and list

as insufficient lifeboats could be launched

still phased I failed to see what Holmes had found

a-new and trotted out the party line

the U-Boat hit her coal a lucky shot

not so the nearest bunkers lay to aft

midships of where the sole torpedo struck

yet still I couldn't twig how it was rigged

so then what caused the death blow of the ship

some ninety tons of butter margarine

and lard in unrefrigerated store

VI

his monogram upon tobacco ash

so often quoted in the monthly press

shows Holmes has played the alchemist from time

to time indeed i'the days of his youth

he studied under Faraday no less

but this idea that lactic acid turned

by force of sudden heat to acetone

which more inflammable than household gas

ignited by the same torpedo blast

at best struck me as crazed at worst as crass

oh Watson must you play the clever ass

cried Holmes what use is rancid butter eh

indeed and ninety tons of it you say

without so much as chilled for seven days

at sea what's more then bound for the Navy's

Experimental Weapons factory

search me I scratched my head complacently

while Holmes blew rings of smoke a-hemmed then droned

all cargoes bound for ordnance facilities

are coded butter dripping and margarine

for marge read cordite lard is TNT

while butter stands for nitroglycerin

VII

oh no great Scott I groaned this cannot be

the Lusitania carried contraband

which Cruiser Rules specifically banned

impossible for British hearts to know

so royally played the Navy with the lives

of children nannies concubines & wives

and not forgetting sailors' widows their

faces twitching lace in basement windows

have we not had enough of broken homes

now we've sunk as rank and low as Kaiser

Bill a-smiling under his linden tree

outwitted in port and outcast at sea

accusing Captain Turner of treason

while he no doubt is sworn to secrecy

the scandal's as deep as any ocean

so Holmes and I now partners to the crime

the seven percent solution of which

is take each other arm in arm and shoot

ourselves into the next millennium

©Philip Lee 2015

Never Sink!

game of stones*

blokes & tackle

hear Philip Lee read
"game of stones"
on YouTube

*

game of stones

thy mouldering shrines removed

By British hands, which it had best behoved

To guard

- Byron, “Childe Harold”, Canto II.

say what you doing in London

Godot at the Criterion

Superman at the Odeon

an actor's life eh all who what

when where how long the feeble plot

to settle in then off you trot

no job for Thespian is carved in stone

on the South Bank one false step & you're gawn

I hear that Kevin Spacey plans

to take over at the National

nothing but a bag of marbles

to him he's got the bloody Gaul

still summer's due the festival

season a fortnight's day release

of shifting scenery for strutting fools

in stand-up tragedies from drama schools

so Tuesday lunchtime still at home

in breaking news the telephone

is hanging off the kitchen wall

the agent of my dreams has called

to offer me a vindaloo

down The Cut behind Waterloo

can't help hoping this is it the Old Vic

Dynamo Kev has dived & broke his neck

I'm hardly joking there of course

would sooner end up on my arse

driving a bus or horse-drawn hearse

than shun some other player's purse

with actors honour it's a farce

they'd do their mums with deadly force

to chant two poxy lines on a chorus

never trust us as dreamboats we're porous

at the café I play it cool

order before asking what's new

talk pork pies through mouthfuls of food

we actors know how to be rude

& feigning hungry's no big do

when all you've had for weeks is gruel

to which the hennaed one leans on elbows

points riveting eyes out of the windows

yes careless when I'm good & fed

I size things up like what's next bed

bit early she's shaking her head

so out we trot to smoke the weed

drink pavement coffees I don't need

& then she shows her hand now read

'fraid I can't offer you the Dominion

but have you played the British Museum

well here's a potty history less

on the subject of temple thieves

than a saga of derring don'ts

it's Lord Elgin's tour with the stones

from swiping them under the eaves

to losing them in a tempest

of Britons that toff was not our finest

strike me who's producing this Rudolph Hess

the play if I may call it so

is a more a series of tableaux

where visitors prepared to queue

will pass along the hall & view

enacted scenes of peace & war

in which Lord Elgin breaks no law

but saves the marble effigies from harm

a loyal view that chokes me with its charm

I say Lord Byron bless his socks

summed up the peer who snatched those rocks

cursing the hour the wastrel Jock

bribed their keepers then swung from block

& tackle rope & ox in yoke

to load a British heart of oak

with half the panoply of ancient Gods

carved by Phidias & his sculptor bods

she turns & looks at me askance

how is it that a proper dunce

like you a poxy mime can trounce

poor Elgin's ghost in tuppence rhymes

don't you go looking up those stones

no reading between given lines

she curses the world & questions the times

you'd think 'twas me had done the dirty crime

aren't you keen to earn some money

two shows a day your evenings off

play the world's greatest gallery

she twists me round her little stiff

after this you'll be on telly

Downton Abbey the sky's your roof

she's got a point there knows her stuff gawd 'strewth

but can't an actor have a conscience Ruth

look Phil she says you fit the bill

tall & thick with a turned up nose

the accent I'm supposing will

be Lowland Scots with half a dose

of Scarlet Pimpernel I'll kill

you if you turn this down & Rose

referring to her cunning friend below

will never ever see again her Joe

oh no not that she's got me there

who else but Ruth would brave my lair

who else admire this thinning hair

but think of Stravros what of Saph

oh would my Elgin make them laugh

or would they deem it simply naff

that I should play a character so far

removed from all the boy's ever stood for

Ruth takes another swipe at me

probing my face with fiery eyes

I turn away in fear she'll see

the brittle bones my cheeks disguise

I'd turn to stone as soon as be

the villain of her enterprise

& since she's staring at these knocking knees

I do affect a kind of wobbly freeze

& then a smile breaks up her mouth

the fair Medusa's wicked pout

she's had a second thought no doubt

I wait a moment catch my breath

you never know with Ruth it's life

or death she'll choose like old Queen Beth

to have your head brought in on a platter

or guide your teeth to the royal garter

dead right she says those Greeks deserve

some bod to speak on their behalf

you mentioned Byron now a perv

like him should make it half'n'half

I'll call the writer who's a lurve

the number's tattooed on my calf

just be a darling & pass the Prada

an old pal of yours he went to RADA¹

so this one's for Stavros & Saph

oh in hopes they get the end laugh

I'm playing Lord Byron at last

& chasing a girl in the cast

if our producer's told the truth

or the good fairy's found my tooth

in a year we'll have transferred to Athens

toodle-pip till I tell you what happens

1. the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in London, England

Lord Elgin's Tour with The Stones

*Ekphrastik note: Although not strictly an ekphrastik piece, the structure of "game of stones" with its 17 verses of 8 lines each represents the 17x8 columns of the Parthenon in Athens, from which Lord Elgin took the stones.

Heavy!