Archie Locost - post mod'n'rocker

I

war was young the lads in oil & woad

pestered fishing strands & hillside towns

drove the yeomen back to save their homes

drank ourselves down

peace was always close at hand the old

folks would parley while the young uns howled

injuries we swapped for sluts & gold

drinks did the rounds

so the men were given new employ

picket duty paid to sit around

guarding sacred mounds which spiked our joy

drink ran aground

till the lassies turned their tails you see

farmers' boys had brought 'em fleece & kohl

sate beneath the well-hung chestnut tree

drank we a skoal

there you are a soldier's memories

stars or promises how should I know

drew me far across the wine dark seas

drunk on patrol

II

singing earthquakes floods & heaven knows

hail stones big as goof balls barmy coups

floaters fleeing civil wars & polls

strung on a blues

I have always stood averse to woe

tipped the waiting piper tapped my toes

never failed to foot the fiddler's bow

strung on a blues

surfed the years from node to crested node

lived a life composed of turpitudes

told some stories wrote some frigging odes

strung on a blues

faced with prophesies deep as sink holes

waves of Chinese that whisper no news

I've faked reports of prison break moles

strung on a blues

time to time to modulate the load

spun them oldies on a different tune

now ironic Aeolian mode

strung on a blues

III

barking man on peccadillos sprayed

cunt across my shield a straight I'm ill

literate unfit & charmless why

can't even spell

fat & greedy drive while txting quite

bald half blind my ears ain't small I smell

drink at least a quart of hooch a day

write with a quill

just in case you think I'm joking try

crossing me with the female from hell

kids beware is all I gotta say

grist to the mill

sense my humour Polly darlin' play

Missus for me since you're up it's fill

kettle time we'll have a cup of tea

isn't it well

don't much care the hour or day you see

someone's got to ring a bloody bell

what's so bad about me anyway

licensed to chill

IV

when the old guard lays a spiky head

must he mate with milkmaids live on farms

run with dogs go gathering herbs spread

muck with his arms

should the discharged pay for cakes & ale

begging waiters' pardons kissing palms

sink his pride to ask for tick or trade

muckrakes for arms

leave atomic weapons to one side

talk of soldiers' peace & who it harms

politicians lie in state they die

marked by our arms

veterans extend the other hand

playing blasted fools we sing for alms

entertaining youngsters what an end

mocked by our arms

give us more than glory thanks & pride

we who saved your bacon sing no psalms

war's the only creed we understand

mucking with arms

(special bonus piece)

Archie & the Locusts

a Harvey Weinstein production

if convicted say in their defence

like naked urchins they stood with needs

women's comfort lent them innocence

rash were their deeds

born to fight no family or friends

Locust pay was fame & concubines

rape is not too strong the maidens ran

warned of their wine

drink was but the means of it their cause

peace sublime for which post-coital read

soldiers win & lose for love of wars

loss was their lead

chastened till the urge returned they sang

barbs of ribald wit in mournful modes

echoed Arion of Lesbos rang

epic their odes

now accused of crimes for which they've paid

censored by their conquests underpants

tied around their ankles left unplayed

hollow their rants