(Stools on the White House Lawn Series)

Crapple's

reliquary of

Garden Turds

Attaboy!

Illustrated by

Pyeland Crapple

To celebrate the centenary of the celebrated wildlife artist's ground-breaking publication, The White House has commissioned downwritefiction to reissue its first five illustrations in full digital color (sic).

Plate 1: Common or Garden Dogshit

Indistinguishable by species except in size, colour and smell, the Common or Garden dogshit is found in the best gardens everywhere. Homogenous pood of this kind hardens or mulches within ten to twenty days of excretion, depending on ingredients, weather conditions & presidential diktat.

Plate 2: Long Black Turd

The longest recorded dog turd is nothing but the stuff of urban myth. And the idea that this whopping dump is sometimes mistaken for a black mamba is erroneous, too; the deadly snake not being black at all, and at four metres in length puts the Guinness turd to shame. Still, shun those footstools hiding in the tall grass!

 

Plate 3: Patio Poop

Few patios seem complete without a good dollop of somewhat loose faeces adding to the cracks and grouting which have filled up with crud and then sprouted couch grass and wild orchid.

Plate 4: Purple Cat Crap

Practically all cats produce poo of delightful hue. Quite why it is true is a mystery both to man and kangaroo. And so, without further ado, let us examine this extraordinary issue...

Plate 5: Sunkissed Shite

The long hot, lazy days of summer bring out the true colour of Shite, a silvern off-white. Flaky, odor-free and otherwise looking good-for-nothing, Shite sometimes resembles a nest of worn-out golf balls. Like fake chocolate money, a good tip for the caddies!

Don't Stand On It!