I
exploding
butter balls cried Sherlock Holmes
shaking
out his gamp i'the vestibule
weather's
filthy & thunder's hardly ceased
this
seven days yet mingled with the sad
retort
of guns from France there never raged
such
dirty work abroad as here in port
good
gracious man said I where have you been
to
summon up that storm of metaphors
from
supping with young Winston in The Strand
a
Pinkerton to hand then all night long
perusing
naval documents for proof
our
famous commodore of Cunard line
deliberately
sailed the Lusitania
across
the sights of a German submarine
my
flatmate’s beaten brows belied the truth
had
stirred him more than Churchill's Sea-Lord wrath
good
Captain Turner's no less loyal than
you
I or any man of Blenheim mould
while
butter has not melted in his mouth
it
plain exploded i'the liner's hold
II
I
should insert a portrait of the ship
now
shallow bosomed on the ocean bed
conceived
as microcosm of the Raj
her
classes watering in strict compart
meant
all aboard were sealed their letters marqued
for
booty by the German High Command
though
few who joined the liner at New York
believed
the word she carried contraband
would
make them fodder for the U-boats' jaws
still
less would claim the Hun then justified
to
sink our merchant navy's joy & pride
since
Belgian massacres were of a kind
the
question eating at the public's mind
not
just what beasts they were to break such laws
but
how so many passengers had died
when
Sherlock Holmes was urged to take the case
I
cried 'twas scarcely worth the candle wax
to
answer queries scurrilously asked
since
days when legions at a Caesar's word
would
raze a city-state by torch & sword
had
hunting leopards traded in their spots
to
covet fleeces of escaping goats
but
Churchill called in war and vainly Holmes
like
Lusitania was easily lured
III
his
pipe relit and legs stretched forth the sleuth
reprised
the charges laid on Turner's head
commissioned
commodore this mariner
is
majesty's & merchant's man at once
serves
Mammon & the Admiralty both
though
neither master wears the cap aboard
supreme
at sea our captain struts the bridge
his
judgement overrules such orders as
endanger
ship & cargo all who sail
make
up his charge plus he must save the souls
of
friend or foe imperilled by the waves
three
times has Thomas Turner won awards
for
daring rescues made in heaving storms
there's
scarce a blemish on this common man
not
fussed to grace a Captain's table though
as
far as bravery and science go
the
fellow's number one amongst his clan
I
couldn't help from quipping at such praise
they
like a skip who goes down with his ship
yet
Holmes was ready for that heckler's jibe
they
hate his guts because he dared survive
IV
the
fire glowed the tea was served we felt
secure
in London town removed from storms
in
France where shrapnel fell like rain on men
who
ducked and died a thousand times each day
refreshed
my friend resumed his peroration
what
Winston told the chap from Pinkerton's
is
not for me to say Americans
trust
neither French nor Hun and Englishmen
they
know too well tell fibs when it suits 'em
in
Churchill's view the news is proof enough
to
disobey commands jump overboard
with
secret documents and save himself
the
skipper breached his oath and shares the guilt
of
those who launched torpedoes at the ship
court
martial him he raged just find what grounds
you
can old England's standing needs a quick
response
pour encourager les autres
the
sea lord quoth in schoolboy accent French
V
now
Holmes is seldom one to dramatise
that's
your department Watson he declares
the
facts the facts and just the facts are all
we
need to prosecute a criminal
but
then he dropped his voice to whisper words
no
living soul shall ever hear bar mine
this
story mustn't go beyond these walls
a
hundred years from now perhaps won't do
to
hide the shame of Admiralty crime
I
pledged to seal the truth from public gaze
post
dating publication ten decades
so
on he went his eyes with morphia glazed
the
records show but one torpedo struck
yet
two explosions tore the hull apart
in
less than twenty minutes sank the ship
so
loss of life was due to speed and list
as
insufficient lifeboats could be launched
still
phased I failed to see what Holmes had found
a-new
and trotted out the party line
the
U-Boat hit her coal a lucky shot
not
so the nearest bunkers lay to aft
midships
of where the sole torpedo struck
yet
still I couldn't twig how it was rigged
so
then what caused the death blow of the ship
some
ninety tons of butter margarine
and
lard in unrefrigerated store
VI
his
monogram upon tobacco ash
so
often quoted in the monthly press
shows
Holmes has played the alchemist from time
to
time indeed i'the days of his youth
he
studied under Faraday no less
but
this idea that lactic acid turned
by
force of sudden heat to acetone
which
more inflammable than household gas
ignited
by the same torpedo blast
at
best struck me as crazed at worst as crass
oh
Watson must you play the clever ass
cried
Holmes what use is rancid butter eh
indeed
and ninety tons of it you say
without
so much as chilled for seven days
at
sea what's more then bound for the Navy's
Experimental
Weapons factory
search
me I scratched my head complacently
while
Holmes blew rings of smoke a-hemmed then droned
all
cargoes bound for ordnance facilities
are
coded butter dripping and margarine
for
marge read cordite lard is TNT
while
butter stands for nitroglycerin
VII
oh
no great Scott I groaned this cannot be
the
Lusitania carried contraband
which
Cruiser Rules specifically banned
impossible
for British hearts to know
so
royally played the Navy with the lives
of
children nannies concubines & wives
and
not forgetting sailors' widows their
faces
twitching lace in basement windows
have
we not had enough of broken homes
now
we've sunk as rank and low as Kaiser
Bill
a-smiling under his linden tree
outwitted
in port and outcast at sea
accusing
Captain Turner of treason
while
he no doubt is sworn to secrecy
the
scandal's as deep as any ocean
so
Holmes and I now partners to the crime
the
seven percent solution of which
is
take each other arm in arm and shoot
ourselves
into the next millennium
©Philip
Lee 2015
 |
| Never Sink! |
